Of first off, stop asking for feedback. You may ask once, but thats it.

Good Points:

-Character development was pretty good. I like how you some crack humor amongst the soldiers to give them more life.

-Weapon and Vehicular accuracy was also a nice addition.

What you really need to work on:

-What I meant by slowing down the action, was so you can work on detail. I understand you need to get the scene moving, but a long/smooth/detailed scene is far better than a short/shallow sequence. I was kind of getting the feeling I was sprinting my way through the story.

-Improve your Grammar, since mispelled words and punctuations detract from the story itself. A little thing that should be worked on is your capitalization. Capitalize the names of all the countries and continents.

-During action sequences, subtract the amount of "mowing down" thats being done and add more descriptive zombie deaths. The only form of action you're projecting is massive zombie death in two sentences.

And one last thing; take your time. No one is rushing you to release more chapters. Take as long as it takes to perfect the literature. Rushed minds never produce quality stuff buddy. Keep writing!

This post has been edited by Security Corporate on December 30, 2005 12:14 pm

Okay, thought I might give some opinions as well
First off I'd like to say it's a great story with a lot of potential. You are using some, but not all of it. The two big things that improve is details and grammar. You have rather well grammar, but it could always improve. Two things you can use more of is ' and ,
The first one ensures things look clean and the latter gives some separation for things that belong in the same sentence but are a little different, and therefore could get separated.

Details details details!
Hideous undead, mushy blood, crimson sky, all those are nice ways to describe.
And a part I like with my story (even though I don't write much to it anymore) is the descriptions of individual zombies and their deaths. Also, you can score a few points describing the panis felt when you have to reload, or even worse -are out of ammunition.


Keep writing

This post has been edited by Elite viking on December 30, 2005 04:51 pm

Day 3 - Outside.
------------------------------

Now that we were outside, we could rely on two things, our weaponry and pure skill. We all got inside the armoured monsters and locked in. Drowkhan looked at Bill, "Look at it this way, at least we are safe untill we reach the borders.". The others in the APC laughed. The APC drove along a Highway, running over the carcasses of the dead. Outside, zombies ignored the massive tank, a child without eyes immediately got run over by it, and it was followed by laughing, "20 points!" called out Gunner. The laughing spread through out the apc. But was cut short by a sudden jolt.

The squad members in the back fell off there seats shouting cusses, "What the fuck?!", Drowkhan yelled out. He made his way to the cockpit, jumping over his stumbling team mates, "What the hell are you doing". Gunner's cigar had fallen from his mouth to his pants, he pointed out to the wreckage of atleast twenty Bradley's. "Holy shit.", Drowkhan's face was priceless at this moment.

This post has been edited by Noobedup on February 27, 2006 03:01 am

Well, I took a break XD

Day 4 - The metal graveyard. 3:10am
-------------------------------------------------------

The convoy camped out in the feild, the tank crews explored the tank graveyard for ammunition and gear. 'How can the undead do this?' Gunner mumbled through his cigar, while poking around the burnt remains of what would be a tank commander. The crew stumbled through the carnage to find three intact shell's and an abandoned Bradley smeared in blood.

Back at the convoy Drowkhan stared out in the pitch black skyline, 'I can smell them man.'. Bill jumped up into the turret and turned on infered, it scanned the area, he could see the tank crews, all scavaging, but strangely enough he could see one of them lying down twitching. 'Hey Drowkhan, Think ones sleeping on the job.'. Drowkhan grabbed a nearby radio, and tuned it in. 'Requesting Illumination at these coordinates, 6-4-2-5-4-7-8'. They waited for afew seconds, they heard the squeel of the artillery. Drowkhan raised his rifle as soon as the ground lit up. The undead were indeed swarming the area, but not close enough to be a threat, his eyes panned across the area, to where the tank crew member was lying down, a zombie was hovering over him, its legs ripped off to the shins, already feasting on his neck, Drowkhan shouted loudly after letting several shots off, 'Skinnies! Back to the tanks'.

Day 4 - Metal graveyard 3:20am
----------------------------------------------------------
The Tank crews made it back to the convoy with its cargo, however with the loss of one of their men this early, it seemed to de-moralize them. 'Fucking aye, Why didn't you cover us?', Gunner vicously swore to Drowkhan. 'Why didn't you stay together? You told Parker to go scout. He's dead and your not. So shut your fucking mouth.' Drowkhan resonded with as much anger. Gunner's fists curled and rose, but he soon had a gun belonging to Jackie aimed at him. 'Stand down Gunner, we didn't kill your man, it was them.' Jackie quickly said to resolve the situation.
Gunner looked down for a moment, then looked to the turret controls, 'Fucking aye.'. He quickly jumped into the console and manned the turret. Drowkhan touched the comm at the base of his throat, 'Board Board, we have action people!'.

If you were close to the turret, you didn't hear a single pop, at was blissful silence, the chaingun flashes were the only way to tell if it was truely firing, that and the scorching hot casings that fell.
Everyone boarded the tanks as they started to fire, the adrendilin rush you got when you felt the thirty tonne tank recoil below your feet from one single tank shell. The drivers were immediately ordered to move to the next checkpoint, so it was a mix of fire and the churning of a six hundred horsepowered diesel motor that was the symphony of a typical day.

4:15pm Day - 6 Survivors?
---------------------------------------
The unit woke up as the sudden jolt of the tanks brakes were applied. Bill yelled in surprise as he fell from his seat, 'Jesus, What the fuck is going on'. 'Tack Team topside', Gunner yelled back. The tanks back entrance winded down, revealing the back drop of where they had came from. Drowkhan rubbed his eyes getting rid of any sleeping dust, Jackie let out a yawn as she streched out, 'What now?'. The team grabbed their gear and picked up their weapons, leaving the tank like zombies. They turned to face a Highway sign, burnt at the edges and smeared in blood, 'Washington D.C.' under the initals D.C. were two words written in red ink or blood, 'Dead Capitol'.

'Well shit.', Drowkhan let out without knowing. 'Lets see if the president is in town', Jackie joked, it was true, the president was bitten by the first lady within the first week of evacuations, he proceeded to eat his entire administration. The group moved ahead of the tanks, several times they bent down to examine corpses. White, Black, Asian, it didn't discriminate. Nor did it care about age or importance, businessmen laid next to the corpses of bums, ironically the bums were veterens of previous wars, just forgotten by the world.

The taskforce finally left the motorway and entered a small suburb, houses scorched out from long gone fires, burnt out cars among them. Drowkhan moved up to point, his eyes searched the area, 'Where the fuck are they?'. Bill moved up, 'Are who?'. 'The dead.', he replied, the streets were corpse-less, not even the moving ones. They eventually found themselves coming across a strongly barracaded building surronded by badly decomposed corpses, each riddled with bullets. 'Looks like a supermarket.', Jackie mentioned to Gunner. Recently lit fires were blazing on the roof, and finally signs of life. A movement on the roof, men lowered their rifles aiming at the soldiers on the street. 'LOWER YOUR WEAPONS', the bullhorn on the tank shouted.

noobedup i suggest editing ur original posts rather than spamming liek 5 times!

:S But its an update, it lets people know I've updated it. :S Does editing bump?

in a way yes, you could put all them 3 into one and people wud still read it lol.

You should have alerted us, by saying that " I'm back again for a long time blah blah blah" on a very active topic, but don't stay with that topic, or you could have made a thread about it, in the offtopic place.

Or you guys could also have said what you thought about the story, and THEN say he shouldn't have spammed the topic. Editing does not "renew" the thread. Only reposting. That's why he did it. Double posting in a story thread that YOU made isn't the end of the world. Making a new thread saying he came back just for the story would be spamming more. Sheesh guys, at least give some input for the story before you bomb the guy.

Btw Noobedup, I didn't get the chance to fully read your material, but I have a suggestion. Space out the paragraphs more. When people speak, always make a new paragraph for every different person that is speaking. Don't scrunch the dialogue with the action sequences because its confusing to read.

This post has been edited by Security Corporate on November 27, 2006 02:58 am