I want an honest opinion that includes telling me if its too boring... and none of that "its good (but i secretly didnt read it)" crap that i know you all give

edit: it seemed a lot longer on microsoft...



“Are you sure you’ll be alright?” Amanda said to her little brother
“I’ll be fine…” Chris responded “I just need to head down stairs real quick and grab some food from the cupboard. I won’t be down there more than five minutes.”

Chris, Amanda, and Amanda’s boyfriend Josh had been hiding in their parent’s room for two days now without any food. One of them had to go down there. Chris was only twelve and his sister and her boyfriend were fifteen, unfortunately Josh had broken his leg playing football and Amanda was too scared to go so Chris was the only one left. Chris would not go unarmed though; he managed to grab his step dad’s keys, not to the truck, but to the case underneath his parent’s bed where the shotgun was kept.

He silently crept down stairs making as little noise as possible and making sure that every time he was going to turn a corner he looked around it to make sure no one was there. Eventually he made it to the cupboard and started loading a garbage bag full of all the food they could eat without cooking.

Back in the parent’s room Josh was trying to convince Amanda that Chris would be ok. But it was all he could do to stop her from crying.

“Come on baby… He’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it.” But as he said this a sudden crash came from downstairs and then the sound of a window breaking.

Amanda quickly got up and pushed the dresser against the door. She could hear her brother’s screams as he ran upstairs. A load bang from the shotgun went off and more yells. Thuds from bodies hitting the floor could be heard as more shotgun blasts went off. Another scream then suddenly it stopped. No more yelling could be heard, nor could you hear the sound of the gun going off.

“Chris!” Amanda called out. No answer. “Chris!” Still no answer

Amanda fell to the floor crying. The image of her brother’s corpse swallowing her thoughts, and to make things worse she knew he would not remain dead for long.

Then suddenly a voice called out “I’m ok! I got the food let me in!”

This post has been edited by Tanker on August 29, 2007 04:22 am

Aha!!!

Tanker that was amazingly good.

I wasn't expecting it to be like this. I haven't read much material like this for a while.... reminds me a bit of the first scene in the 28 Weeks Later movie.

Will this have a continuation?

good for being shitty

Zombie thanks for your support and mallic thanks for... your honesty. i dont think there will be a continuation... but it really depends on the rest of the resposes i get (if any). i got this idea a while ago but i didnt want to put it up because im not proud of my writing ability. i actually wanted to write this in first person but i find things easier in third... yeah so more responses please....

good don;t think we could sit through another one >_>

I could.


Really good fanfic I've read, a break from the usual action-ish stuff.

But those are fun too, but whatevah.

Pretty good read, although there is room for improvement (maybe be a little more descriptive?), this has good potential so keep it up!

could need improvements but...

APPROVED!


heres a tip though , if yah want to 'train' your writing ,, you should join a RP...
or such

dam, Tanker! That was going well untill you wrote "it's ok I got the food!"

Leaving him silent and having laboured footsteps coming towards the door and the metalic drag of a shotgun barrel on the dry floorboards, then maybe a single knock on the door -=END=- would have been AWSOME

great story though I enjoyed reading it.

This post has been edited by SDWBOSS on September 07, 2007 10:59 pm

That's true.... Tanker you should write more.

the nameless one- being a little more discriptive is exactly what i want to get better at... ive always found that to be my problem... i have trouble explaining things the way i see them in my head and it often frustrates me to the point where i just dont discribe it at all...

gordon: thanks for the advice... the only real reason i dont join an rp is because i get bored if i write about the same topic for too long... so half way through the rp my character would suddenly disappear you know what i mean?

SDWBOSS: as for your advice thats actually exactly what i wanted to do at the end but at the last second i felt compelled to add a classic american hero always prevails ending... edit: actually the true ending i wanted to put even before that (at the time i was toying with ideas) was that after he told them he had the food Amanda would begin to open the door only for it to be shut quick by Chris on the other side... then Amanda would say "Chris whats wrong?" and then it would end with one word... "Mom"...

overall: because most of the responses were more or less positive (except for mallic but i think he just doesnt like me) ill definitly consider adding another short story... i dont want to continue this one because as i said in my respose to gordon i get bored when i write about the same thing again and again... feel free to add any short storys you guys make to this thread... and ill gladly give what advice i can...

This post has been edited by Tanker on September 08, 2007 01:06 am

Heres a few tips I found helped me; try to describe colours or little details(that you normally wouldn't bother with) in objects e.g "The blood splashed across the floor", this could be improved with things like "the 'Crimson liquid'(or "Ruby red",etc) R(however, only describe things like this when the readers will know that it's blood.) splashed across the floor" and also describe objects more to immerse the reader into the story just a little bit more, "The blood splashed across the floor" into "The blood splashed across the dirty, beaten carpet, adding another layer of filth to the grime of the underside of many boot's past." And, to add more horror/tension, make it seem as if the character is having trouble seperating whats real and what he's imagining, e.g "As he ran from the horde of monsters, he could feel the shadows warping and twisting, trying to grab him." and also, metaphors(or similes, I can never remember which is which) e.g "his neck feeling like a twig, being bent between a child's fingers, about to snap. He could feel his senses leaving him, the world bluring and fading, warping and twisting into the shadows, the sound, killing itself with a gentle ringing."
So, there you go, some advice from one aspiring writer to another

This post has been edited by The-Nameless-One on September 10, 2007 10:39 pm

thanks for the advice nameless... umm while this is still alive ive run into a snag... the story idea i had for the next short story turned out to be a dead end... anyone got any ideas for what i can right about?

Snipers. Can't go wrong with snipers when you're stuck. That's what I'm sticking in mine *OOPS SPOILER*