assassin read above... dont just tell me it sucks tell me why... you still havent told me what the hell i can do about it... other than read elite vikkings tips which ive done before... help me out here

ok ive read it over a few times and decided assassin may be right... god forbid... lol jk assassin your great. anyway so i decided to give a recap of what happened. first off this guy is insane i thought i made that pretty clear. so i understand alot of the things i say make no sense but really the idea is that he is sort of babbeling to himself so its not suppose to make sense. i guess i should have introduced this character later after you had a chance to grip the story but anyway he has no real memory of where he is and hes not where he thinks he is... its confusing i know but it will make sense later... i hope. every once in a while ill go back to this character and give like a paragraph on him... hes important even though he sounds like a fool, he pretty much makes the story that i plan to unfold. just hold out the main character will come out in the next installment which will hopefull do better then this

This post has been edited by Tanker on March 15, 2007 04:35 pm

Hopefully... Im not gonna let my thread die, nor this one die.

lol been 2 days... im gonna start on the second installment

lol k

ok i know i promised an actual story this time but once again im screwing you over... basicly im going to introduce the characters in my next installment... i know this sounds boring and that i wrote it in 2 minutes flat but i tried to make it interesting... im sure assassin will tell me where i screwed up... lol dont worry assassin id rather you tell me all the places i screwed up rather than you just tell me what i did right... so anyways once again helpfull comments please and i tried to make it more clear but when you already have a picture in your head its hard to tell if everyone else can see the same picture... you know what i mean?
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The bullet shoots out my 9mm pistol and into the head of my once dear friend Jamie. Blood splatters on the wall behind him. It’s horrible to have to take the life of a friend but once they’ve been bitten there really isn’t any other choice.

That’s the rule in this group of ours. Once you’re bitten you’re dead. We are a group of survivors bent on getting the hell out of this crap hole. There were once ten people in the group. Over time that number has deminished. With Jamie’s death that leaves us with four.

The gangster looking, black man with the shotgun is Harold, we call him Hoover. He grew up on the streets and knows this town better than anyone.

The skinny little white girl’s name is Sara. She was a high school english teacher back in the day; she told us she managed to escape a horde of hungry students by fending them off with a yard stick. We all think its funny but none of us doubt it.

The man in the uniform is Jarrod. He was a police officer. On the day of the undead, he was driving on his route when he had to swerve out of the way of someone and crashed into a wall. Afterwards the same man he swerved out of the way for attempted to bite him.

I am Michael Smith. I was a lawyer and a good one at that; I was very successful.

That day, I was out hunting with my son; when he pointed back to the city and told me “dad what’s that smoke?” Of course I figured it was a fire and we continued hunting like it was no big deal.

At the day's end we headed back to the city and immediately I noticed that something was wrong. Cars were on fire, the streets were covered in blood, and everyone we passed gave us this look. I’ll never forget that look. It was as if they werent there. They looked at us with this desire; this... hunger

Soon they swarmed the car and started trying to break in. I quickly reached into the back of the car and grabbed my rifle. I opened the window slightly... just enough that i could stick the nozle of the gun out. I took aim at one of them but before I fired I looked at the face of my target. Her eyes were dull and she just glared. Her face was magnificent and I soon recognized it. I knew she was no longer human but I couldn’t shoot her.

As I looked back at the fear in my son’s eyes I knew that no matter how hard it was it had to be done; no matter what, for my life and his, I had to. He didn’t survive that day… and I learned a difficult lesson. In this new world you must do anything possible to survive, you must not hesitate in shooting anyone no matter how familiar they are; even if that someone is your wife.

This post has been edited by Tanker on March 16, 2007 10:30 pm

Alright, You were just skipped into a random bit without telling us what happened on the other installment... I mean like people dont just come out of nowhere. Sure, you can be fighting a zombie, and a person on the rooftop behind you comes out of nowhere and shoots it in the head, but this is just too dumb. I understand you were introducing characters, but wheres the age and all that? What school was the teacher in? What does the bloody group have? Seriously, Next installment, you should let me do.

lol dude i gave a recap on what happened in the last installment! also these guys didnt come out of nowhere they are the main characters the other guy is important and what he has to do with everything will make alot more sense later but right now just concentrate on these guys and forget about him. hes in a totaly different place and him and the main characters will meet sooner or later. also is it really important where she taught? who cares the place is probably up in smoke now anyways? and what do you mean what does the group have?

If you didnt want me to tell you what was wrong, than tell meh and meh big ball of POO!

no go ahead tell me what you think is wrong. just be ready to discuss it. I understand that maybe its a little confusing. once again thats my fault for starting off with the crazy guy, but right now all thats important are these four people. believe me later i will throw in a twist that will make you say "oh thats what that guy is for!" or at least something like that

This post has been edited by Tanker on March 18, 2007 01:36 am

Well... I guess we are both wrong. End.

ONTOPIC: More coming, please!

whoa wait start again... both wrong about what? also ive already finished the third installment but im not sure whether i want to realise it... i want to make sure everything makes sense first


This post has been edited by Tanker on March 19, 2007 01:18 am

Umm.... I just want to end the thing.

Yeah, i get it now. Nice story.

PLEASE LET MORE COME I WANNA SEE WHERE THIS GOES TO!

before you ask yes zombies in my story can run... unless they have sustained severe calf injuries. I always thought that was dumb about zombies. why cant they run if their legs work just fine? also it is actually possible to miss the brain... in fact one man was shot in the head and walked around for weeks with a bullet a centimeter away from his brain without even knowing it. so i know its unrealistic but it is possible especially if you shoot at an angle. but thats not really that important because youll find out later thats not what happened
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We’ve taken refuge in a grocery store where there was enough food to keep eating for some time. Unfortunately much of the food that was originally here had already been salvaged by other survivors when undead first started walking. Now we’ve been here for a few weeks and food is running scarce.

Jamie had been bitten when he opened the janitor’s closet in search of some keys to the back room in hopes that the back room would have some more food. Little did he know the janitor was still in there and he was hungry to.

“I guess that brings new meaning to the phrase dead end job” Hoover chuckled referring to the janitor.

“At least he had a job.” Jarrod said

“Hey I had a job… I was a drug dealer.”

“Yes… dealing drugs to half the kids in my class.” Sara snarled

“Doesn’t matter what I dealt them now, does it? They all ended in the same way.”

“Shh…” I hush them as an undead slowly walks past.

“Its just one; why don’t we just shoot it?” Hoover asks

“It’s never just one.” Jarrod says

The undead goes around the corner and out of sight. We all let out a big sigh and I feel relieved for a second. But Jarrod still looks tensely out the metal closing gate which guards us from the outside.

“Its never just one…” He repeats

“Let it go Jarrod.” I tell him and pat him on the shoulder

“Guys… we have a problem.” Sara says from down the dairy aisle

We all head over to her. She stares at a blood splattered wall in shock. We stare at it to but it takes us a few seconds to realize what’s wrong.

“Where’s Jamie?” Hoover spits out

“I put a bullet in his head… he’s down.”

“You shot him right here and none of us moved the body!” Hoover yells

“I must have shot him somewhere else! I shot him he’s dead!”

“You missed his brain! You jackass you missed his brain! You were at point blank range how could you miss?!” Jarrod yells and grabs me; throwing me up against the wall

“Calm down!” Sara yells “We just need to stick together and find him.”

Jarrod unwillingly puts me down. He snarls at me and gives me a dirty look.

“Don’t worry he gives me that look all the time.” Hoover reassures me.

Strangely that doesn’t make me feel any better. The other three set off down the cereal isle to look for Jamie. I just stand there looking at the blood splatter.

“I shot him he’s dead…” I repeat to myself.

I continue to stare at the blood and follow it up the wall to the shelves holding the milk. The shelves are lined with shiny metal in which I can see my own reflection.

I take a few seconds to stare at myself. My clothes, once cameo to help me hide in the woods, are now red with blood. My face is dirty, and my slick black hair hasn’t been washed in weeks. I’m a mess.

I’m about to turn away when something catches my eyes in the reflection. A dark figure stands behind me. I freeze. All of a sudden I’m too scared to move. The figure just stands there looking at me. I can’t tell who it is but I’m afraid I already know.

“Jamie…”

With that the figure dashes towards me, running at full speed. I turn and my fears are realized. I lift up my gun, take aim, and shoot but I miss his head and the bullet hits his right shoulder. I have no time for another shot; Jamie is already right in front of me.

He tackles me down and tries to bite me. I grab him around the neck with one hand and use it to keep him off me. The other hand I cover my face with so that no blood gets in my eyes or mouth.

He squirms trying to get lose from my grip so he can bite me. Blood pours out his mouth and covers me. Thankfully my hand is stopping it from getting into me.

I try to shake him and get him off me but to no affect. Suddenly a shot rings out, blood splatters down the aisle, and Jamie stops moving. I throw the body off me and stand up. There I see Jarrod holding his gun.

“You need to learn how to aim.” He says

“Yeah I guess I do. Well you know the deal, you killed him you clean him up.” I smirk

This post has been edited by Tanker on March 20, 2007 08:59 pm

Thats pretty good. Can i be in story