Printable Version of Topic: "they" are coming...
IronOak studios forums > Storyforum > "they" are coming...
| Posted by: ..bullet.. February 15, 2008 07:56 pm |
| part 1 get out of town one night 5 friends where at the skate part having a good time, untill one came to the park... GUYS GUYS!! HAVE YOU HERD THE NEWS!? said macey macey calm down! I CANT! OMG TH TH THEY ARE BEHIND US!!!!! macey starts to panic and shouts to josh to go with him umm? ok then.. said josh josh and macey ran like hell theres only only 3 left... me, neddy and lil what the hell? where they 2 going? i dont have a clue.... um ok HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! neddy and lil turned around ooooooooh shit... RUN LIKE HELL!!!!!! we all ran what where they? asked lil and neddy was about to say the same thing i dunno as i said that we herd bangs of a door... bang bang ...BANG the door flew open and a blood soked monster came out THEY ARE IN THE ASWELL GET THE HELL OUT! the only thing was... they where out sdie aswell they had no where to run... was this the end for the 3 friends? suddenly i managed to see what it was white pale skin white eyes and blood on the teeth.. the only thing that can end mankind the "zombie". I know what it is its a zombie!!!! neddy gimme that knife! what knife the butter knife? hahaha! NEDDY ITS NOT THE TIME 2 PISS ABOUT GIVE ME THE SHARP KNIFE the zombie grabed me and almost bit me lil took the knife of neddy and gave it to me... AVE IT BITCH! i stabed it in the head, NEDDY YOU WANK U ALMOST GOT ME KILLED ! i said im sorry i didnt know it was a zombie lil replyed with u must b a retard then... and blind it was a zombie how didnt u know u play resident evil and u cant tell a human from the dead or a zombie in this case? asked lil um.. well yeeah how come u didnt give me the knife then? I I i was going t *GUN SHOTS OUTSIDE THE SHOP* gun shots... u thinking what i am? said neddy PPL FROM RESIDENT EVIL HAVE CAME TO RESIDENT EVIL HAVE COME 2 RESCUE US  neddy... UR SUCH A RETARD! shouted lil in a very pissed voice u think?... ok we need a plan i said hm stephen? neddy said my name and i didnt want to answer case it was a retarded joke.. WHAT?! its the S.A.S. WTF REALLY!?!?!??! i said with a shocked voice yep PLAN WE GO OUT GET SOME GUNS AND KILL EVERY ZOMBIE THAT WANTS A PEICE OF US...but we have to find josh and macey first yeah we do said lil the 3 friends ran out side and the sas shot at them SAS GUY: omg some can run! WAIT WAIT WE ARE HUMAN! we all shouted SAS:get over here kids! as we ran over a man took us into the back of a van and we drove off... we seen macey and josh with other people in another van.. we smiled then our van almost tiped.. we herd a sas guy say "EAT THAT BITCH! 50 points" wtf was that? i said hahaha the guy just ran over a zombie said neddy hahaha cool me and lil said he did it again this one seen it coming and he thot he hit it he did... but it jumped up then he hit it "GTA MOHTER FUCKER!!!" it wasnt on the road where did it go? hmm we herd bangs on the roof ummm? what the hell was that? dont ask me or me a hand came right through the roof HEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!! then another hand the hole got bigger and bigger and then the zombie fell in the van the sas guy gave lil a gun the zombie got up and looked at me and came for me GET IT OFF ME LIL SHOOT IT IN THE HEAD! it was her first time shooting a gun and she got a good head shot thanks lil i walked to her and kissed her neddy said get a room... she smiled at me 30 mins later we got to the safe zone we met macey and josh there well well well look who is here said macey we lived there for about 2 months untill one of the sas guys went out to find food he came back bitten... he bit other suvivers and SAS the base...was over run.. yet again we had 2 escape with the other ppl and sas hey kids over here!!!!! AAAAAAAAAARHH HELP MEEEE!!!!!!!!! *gunshots* we all ran to the gun room i got me a M4A1 carbine usp and a mp5 for the hell of it and a lot of ammo neddy went terro style..well wanna b terro he took the ONLY ak and a deagle macey took the p90 p228 and ammo lil took the same as me we fought out way through the base and we got out only to find that the hell on earth has come.. PART 2 COMING SOON |
| Posted by: SDWBOSS February 15, 2008 11:08 pm |
| Phew that was a long read! It was a bit bland, more like a monologue without description, but mostly enjoyable. *Thumbs up* |
| Posted by: iliketoblowzombieheadsoff February 16, 2008 01:37 am |
| I guess it's pretty good.... To me though, your punctuation and the absences of quotation marks make it hard to read. I'm a hard critic on that...... If you're going to make a story enjoyable, do consider the punctuation. Use quotation marks, periods, and capitals. This is not that bad, but you heavily need to fix your punctuation. |
| Posted by: ..bullet.. February 16, 2008 02:33 am |
| yeah i know its a really bad habbiti have of not putting things in like full stops and comans n stuff |
| Posted by: iliketoblowzombieheadsoff February 16, 2008 04:59 am |
Hahaaha, it's all good.  We all do that in the keyboard sometimes. Once you keep doing it, you'll get used to it.... so I suggest start putting commas and stuff in. |
| Posted by: Elite viking February 17, 2008 07:07 pm |
| One thing. A good story never, never, NEVER, has the word "omg" in it unless it's internet related. If you want to write a story, take the time to actually write oh my god, you, be and the like, instead of omg, u and b. Things like that really ruin the flow of a sory. And most of all... simply take your time. Don't rush it. Write it down in full sentences, look it over, has it got any major flaws? Is it connected to the story line? How do I make it even more interesting? And please use more descriptions, not just *gunshots*. Try to sew it better into the story, not separate it by asterisks. |
| Posted by: SDWBOSS February 17, 2008 08:42 pm |
| Write it in Word or Notepad first, then when it's ready copy+paste + post it, at least that's what I did. |
| Posted by: Neal Ovdensson February 20, 2008 02:15 pm |
| This may sound rough, but I didn't particularly care for it, it was just bland and uninteresting. The Idea was good, but your follow-through leaves a bit to be desired. Though, it's just my opinion. |
| Posted by: -=Chris Redfield=- February 21, 2008 04:19 am | ||
No, I fully agree. I mean, it looks like something that was made in a few minutes. The grammar is worse than mediocre, there are zero paragraphs, just random "enter" marks, and it was extremely corny. This is going to sound mean, but it has to be asked: was this a serious story? |
| Posted by: Neal Ovdensson February 26, 2008 01:40 am |
| Thank you, chris. |
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