Prologue:
Name: Patrick,McGuire Age 15 Discription: Agressive Hatting mostly everything because of His Ex GirlFriend.
REVALATIONS:Chapter One-SINNER
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" Auh My head is hurting!" "Cm'on We gotta get going before they get here"
Patrick Starts Having Memorys Flash Backs "This is how i got here John"
-Opens the Screen Door then Slam's it closed then the Real Door Opens his Pepsi then he Thinks of Alyysa then he Sighs then grabs the Cotch controller then checks the movie Channels. "Ah Dawn of the Dead". Changes the channel to Dawn Of the Dead Movie then His Eyes Get Heavier then he passes Out on his sleep.
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Next Morning he Leaves off to the Computer then plays World Of Warcraft then he Thinks of Alyysa " **** her, Like i did before.." Patrick Chuckles then he goes up stairs and he see's Blood on the Wall "What the ****?" Patrick Stares at Dead Creature trying to Identafie it " A ****EN ZOMBIE!?!?!" The Dead Creatures charges at Partrick But Patrick Throws him down stairs then he Runs to his room Busts his Katana Case open for Display only " Never known i would use this he Swings his Sword into the Dead Brother of his Now not his brother no more into its Skull Brain Matter Splats on the wall and he looks at the Dead Creature then fall
on his knee's . He Gets up then he thinks of Alyysa " I can Still try to save her...

But first im going to get Brandyn And Kurt. "God Let me in your kingdom When i die.." He Charges down stairs into the Basement then he Opens the Safe and Grabs the 12 Gauge Rounds about 42 Of them and then he opens his Hunting Case "Twelve Gauge Cross Bow and D.Eagle.." Runs back to his room and Pulls out his Katana from the Dead Creatures head runs into his Mothers room and a tear courses down his Cheek " Im sorry Mother " gun Fire shoots his mother in tha head . then Takes the Car keys and drives down to Kurts then he Shoots open the door then he See's Kurt " You okay Kurt Have you Been Biten?" " No I Haven't" just killed my Dad He is dead Dead" i know what you mean bro" "But get your Supplies and Weapons you got you Finnally Get to use your Weapons " You mean my Rifle my Three Swords and my Dads Hand Gun?" "Yes" Patrick Exclaims "But get food Kurt then we'll Drive to Brandyns" Okay" Kurt Runs into the Kitchen the Packs a Box of Food then grabs his Weapons then he Runs out to the Car.

As they Drive towards the highway a Bunch of Zombie's In a Croud Start Walking Slowly " Hold onto something Kurt" the Car speeds to 60 and hits the Croud then some are hanging on " Kurt Take care of it kay?""okay" Kurt Crawls to the Back and Slashes off the Zombies hands "Done" " Good Okay Where at Brandyns "kurt you Defend the Car Remeber Look around "Alright" Patrick Loads up his D.Eagle then he Shoots another zombie and Starts cursing then hears " HELP ME!" patrick rushes to brandyns room and pulls out the Katana and slashes the two zombies trying to Go into His room " Cm'on Brandyn Go go go!" Brandyn runs out side then Patrick grabs 9 MM that Brandyn had in his Parents room and they drive onto the Highway.

Ok, a few things.
Verbs does not need a capital letter, it Becomes very Frustrating after a while.
The text could do with some more space, huge blocks of text are hard to read. More descriptions are a must. Crimson blood, dark creatures, that sort of thing.
There's a topic on the top of the page, "reader's tips" I think it's called, that can give you a good start.



And: welcome to the forums!

This post has been edited by Elite viking on October 23, 2006 10:24 am