Powered by Invision Power Board [ Resend Validation Email ]
Welcome Guest [ Log In · Register ]
Forum Rules HelpSearchMembersCalendar


 
Reply to this topicStart new topicStart Poll
[ Track this topic · Email this topic · Print this topic ]
> "they" are coming..., what are they!?
..bullet..
Posted: February 15, 2008 07:56 pm
Quote Post


Rotten Meat


Group: Members
Posts: 9

Joined: February 12, 2008



part 1 get out of town

one night 5 friends where at the skate part having a good time, untill one came to the park... GUYS GUYS!! HAVE YOU HERD THE NEWS!? said macey macey calm down!
I CANT! OMG TH TH THEY ARE BEHIND US!!!!! macey starts to panic and shouts to josh to go with him
umm? ok then.. said josh
josh and macey ran like hell theres only only 3 left... me, neddy and lil
what the hell? where they 2 going?
i dont have a clue....
um ok
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! neddy and lil turned around
ooooooooh shit...
RUN LIKE HELL!!!!!! we all ran what where they? asked lil and neddy was about to say the same thing
i dunno
as i said that we herd bangs of a door... bang bang ...BANG the door flew open and a blood soked monster came out
THEY ARE IN THE ASWELL GET THE HELL OUT!
the only thing was... they where out sdie aswell they had no where to run... was this the end for the 3 friends?
suddenly i managed to see what it was white pale skin white eyes and blood on the teeth.. the only thing that can end mankind the "zombie".
I know what it is its a zombie!!!! neddy gimme that knife!
what knife the butter knife? hahaha!
NEDDY ITS NOT THE TIME 2 PISS ABOUT GIVE ME THE SHARP KNIFE
the zombie grabed me and almost bit me lil took the knife of neddy and gave it to me...
AVE IT BITCH! i stabed it in the head,
NEDDY YOU WANK U ALMOST GOT ME KILLED ! i said
im sorry i didnt know it was a zombie
lil replyed with u must b a retard then... and blind it was a zombie how didnt u know u play resident evil and u cant tell a human from the dead or a zombie in this case? asked lil
um.. well yeeah
how come u didnt give me the knife then?
I I i was going t
*GUN SHOTS OUTSIDE THE SHOP*
gun shots... u thinking what i am? said neddy
PPL FROM RESIDENT EVIL HAVE CAME TO RESIDENT EVIL HAVE COME 2 RESCUE US happy.gif
neddy... UR SUCH A RETARD! shouted lil in a very pissed voice
u think?...
ok we need a plan i said
hm stephen? neddy said my name and i didnt want to answer case it was a retarded joke..
WHAT?!
its the S.A.S.
WTF REALLY!?!?!??! i said with a shocked voice
yep
PLAN WE GO OUT GET SOME GUNS AND KILL EVERY ZOMBIE THAT WANTS A PEICE OF US...but we have to find josh and macey first
yeah we do said lil
the 3 friends ran out side and the sas shot at them
SAS GUY: omg some can run!
WAIT WAIT WE ARE HUMAN! we all shouted
SAS:get over here kids!
as we ran over a man took us into the back of a van and we drove off...
we seen macey and josh with other people in another van.. we smiled then our van almost tiped.. we herd a sas guy say
"EAT THAT BITCH! 50 points"
wtf was that? i said
hahaha the guy just ran over a zombie said neddy
hahaha cool me and lil said
he did it again this one seen it coming and he thot he hit it he did... but it jumped up then he hit it
"GTA MOHTER FUCKER!!!"
it wasnt on the road where did it go? hmm we herd bangs on the roof
ummm? what the hell was that?
dont ask me
or me
a hand came right through the roof
HEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!!
then another hand the hole got bigger and bigger and then the zombie fell in the van the sas guy gave lil a gun the zombie got up and looked at me and came for me
GET IT OFF ME LIL SHOOT IT IN THE HEAD!
it was her first time shooting a gun and she got a good head shot
thanks lil
i walked to her and kissed her neddy said get a room... she smiled at me 30 mins later we got to the safe zone we met macey and josh there
well well well look who is here said macey
we lived there for about 2 months untill one of the sas guys went out to find food he came back bitten... he bit other suvivers and SAS the base...was over run.. yet again we had 2 escape with the other ppl and sas
hey kids over here!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAARHH HELP MEEEE!!!!!!!!!
*gunshots* we all ran to the gun room i got me a M4A1 carbine usp and a mp5 for the hell of it and a lot of ammo neddy went terro style..well wanna b terro he took the ONLY ak and a deagle macey took the p90 p228 and ammo lil took the same as me we fought out way through the base and we got out only to find that the hell on earth has come..

PART 2 COMING SOON
PMEmail Poster
Top
SDWBOSS
Posted: February 15, 2008 11:08 pm
Quote Post


Elite zombie Butcher
********

Group: Old BB:S Betatesters
Posts: 1407

Joined: June 30, 2006



Phew that was a long read!
It was a bit bland, more like a monologue without description, but mostly enjoyable.
*Thumbs up*


--------------------
User Posted Image
PMEmail PosterUsers Website
Top
iliketoblowzombieheadsoff
Posted: February 16, 2008 01:37 am
Quote Post


Ratatatatatatatatatatatattatatt
**********

Group: Members
Posts: 4896

Joined: May 26, 2006



I guess it's pretty good....

To me though, your punctuation and the absences of quotation marks make it hard to read. I'm a hard critic on that......

If you're going to make a story enjoyable, do consider the punctuation. Use quotation marks, periods, and capitals.

This is not that bad, but you heavily need to fix your punctuation.


--------------------
Current game(s): Uh uh not updatin' this no mo
Looking forward to: Some shit
Name Shortcut: Zombie, Isit, Bob(not recommended)
PMEmail PosterAOLYahoo
Top
..bullet..
Posted: February 16, 2008 02:33 am
Quote Post


Rotten Meat


Group: Members
Posts: 9

Joined: February 12, 2008



yeah i know its a really bad habbiti have of not putting things in like full stops and comans n stuff
PMEmail Poster
Top
iliketoblowzombieheadsoff
Posted: February 16, 2008 04:59 am
Quote Post


Ratatatatatatatatatatatattatatt
**********

Group: Members
Posts: 4896

Joined: May 26, 2006



Hahaaha, it's all good. tongue.gif
We all do that in the keyboard sometimes. tongue.gif


Once you keep doing it, you'll get used to it.... so I suggest start putting commas and stuff in.


--------------------
Current game(s): Uh uh not updatin' this no mo
Looking forward to: Some shit
Name Shortcut: Zombie, Isit, Bob(not recommended)
PMEmail PosterAOLYahoo
Top
Elite viking
Posted: February 17, 2008 07:07 pm
Quote Post


Veteran Lord Carnage
*********

Group: Old BB:S Betatesters
Posts: 2471

Joined: December 16, 2004



One thing.

A good story never, never, NEVER, has the word "omg" in it unless it's internet related. If you want to write a story, take the time to actually write oh my god, you, be and the like, instead of omg, u and b. Things like that really ruin the flow of a sory. And most of all...

simply take your time. Don't rush it. Write it down in full sentences, look it over, has it got any major flaws? Is it connected to the story line? How do I make it even more interesting? And please use more descriptions, not just *gunshots*. Try to sew it better into the story, not separate it by asterisks.
PMEmail Poster
Top
SDWBOSS
Posted: February 17, 2008 08:42 pm
Quote Post


Elite zombie Butcher
********

Group: Old BB:S Betatesters
Posts: 1407

Joined: June 30, 2006



Write it in Word or Notepad first, then when it's ready copy+paste + post it, at least that's what I did.


--------------------
User Posted Image
PMEmail PosterUsers Website
Top
Neal Ovdensson
Posted: February 20, 2008 02:15 pm
Quote Post


Experienced Killer
**

Group: Members
Posts: 76

Joined: January 09, 2008



This may sound rough, but I didn't particularly care for it, it was just bland and uninteresting. The Idea was good, but your follow-through leaves a bit to be desired. Though, it's just my opinion.
PMEmail Poster
Top
-=Chris Redfield=-
Posted: February 21, 2008 04:19 am
Quote Post


Baby Slayer
*******

Group: Members
Posts: 1299

Joined: October 19, 2004



QUOTE (Neal Ovdensson @ February 20, 2008 07:15 am)
This may sound rough, but I didn't particularly care for it, it was just bland and uninteresting. The Idea was good, but your follow-through leaves a bit to be desired. Though, it's just my opinion.

No, I fully agree. I mean, it looks like something that was made in a few minutes. The grammar is worse than mediocre, there are zero paragraphs, just random "enter" marks, and it was extremely corny. This is going to sound mean, but it has to be asked: was this a serious story?


--------------------
User Posted Image
(1) I like to beat women. (2) I like to beat babies (3) I like to beat women while beating babies (4). I like to watch women beat their babies...and then I beat the women.
PMEmail PosterAOLYahoo
Top
Neal Ovdensson
Posted: February 26, 2008 01:40 am
Quote Post


Experienced Killer
**

Group: Members
Posts: 76

Joined: January 09, 2008



Thank you, chris.
PMEmail Poster
Top
Topic Options Reply to this topicStart new topicStart Poll