Posted by: Alpha March 23, 2005 05:55 am

Chapter 1: A nice alibi "So you're telling me you started blowing peoples heads off because you saw this in a movie?" "Yea...No...NO!.....I meant....Uhh....shit, how can I explain...Well, as I told you before, I noticed people have been acting strange, you know? Kinda like everyone's gettin some kinda flu or something, you know? Like...Look, I work at hollywood video man, I see people twenty four seven, now when they start acting strange, and I mean a pattern of strangeness in everyone, it makes you wonder, you know? And I'm telling you my local newspaper was reporting all these crazy attacks, you know, and I was all like, 'shit, i've seen this all before!', you know?" "IT WAS A GODDAMN MOVIE, ITS NOT REAL, how can you honestly say that people were changing into zombies and eating humans?" "With all do respect sir, I've seen many a movies and it was all trippy because the same shit was happening like right outside my store, you know?" "YES, YES I KNOW, YOU'VE BEEN TELLING ME THE SAME THING FOR THE ENTIRE INTERROGATION, NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF SICK TWISTED INDIVIDUAL YOU ARE BUT I'LL FIND OUT YOUR LITTLE PLOT, TRYING TO COVER UP BY PLAYING CRAZY IS NOT GONNA CHANGE A GODDAMN THING, SO WHATEVER DROVE YOU TO BLOW UP A WHOLE TOWN WITH YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS TO GET REVENGE ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND CHEATING ON YOU OR YOUR MOMMIE NOT MAKING YOUR BED- LISTEN UP...ITS NOT GONNA FLY, AND YOU'RE GONNA FRY FOR THIS I'LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH!!....ARE...ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME!?" "Well I was thinking about listening to what you have to say but, it's too much work , you know? I mean it's like....Why do you think I dropped out of highschool man hahaha...." "....*sigh*....So....So chad, chad right? OK...Let's say these...these zombies attacked other people, and let's say that people who were bitten got infected only to inflict the same fate on some other poor soul, how the hell can you explain an entire town, totally erased off of the face of the earth, huh? Care to explain that?" "Sure as hell can, I mean that's why I'm here in cuffs right? So anyways, let me start from the top....So it was just a regular pretty chill evenin, you know...Why it was chill was because I was going to be out at 8 pm, you know, and that's chill within itself, you know, i mean I was gonna go out drinking with some friends later- oh and by the way, you're not gonna charge me for that underage drinking shit right?" "Forget about that, please continue." "So you know, people started acting strange and shit for like two weeks now, you know, but at that time I was not really concerned about that, I was more concerned about that sally chick I've been checking out for quite some time-" "Sally...You never told me about her...Did she in any way anger you or-" "Shit yea she angered me, she was so hot man...Shit.....It angered me not to be with her, you know, hahaha...." "So she-" "Anyways, I was at the counter checking out some videos for some guy, my best friend Thomas was in the back checking on something or some shit, you know, another guy, I think his name was andy or something, he was there too......" ====================================================== "Uhh....Will this be all sir?", chad asked some fat guy he really didn't like. "Yes, by the way, I'm an idiot and I think you're the greatest chad.", said the envious fat idiot who clearly hadn't had a girlfriend in like 50 years.- ====================================================== "Is all this commentary really necessary?" "Hey dude, I'm telling the story, you know, I'd appreciate you not interrupting me." "...OK, ok, go on." ====================================================== "Hold on a sec sir I gotta get rid of these plastic thingies on these videos, you know, I'll be back in a sec..." said chad, but as he was leaving the counter to remove the plastic covers of the videos, chad continued talking. "Uhhh....H-Honered customer...I think thats right...Would you care for a great membership for hollywood video, it's all cool and shit, you know?", chad had removed the plastic covers and was already on his way back to the counter, but as he reached it the man was gone. "Uhh...sir...sir? You still here man?". Chad looked around the store but nobody was there. "Shit man, what a dick. I knew he never had a girlfriend, HEY..HEY ANDY..." "For the last time my name is not andy, IT'S CLARK!" yelled out another hollywood video employe, "How hard is it to remember?" "Shut up man, some guy just totally ditched, wasting my time, you know, total bastard...", replied chad walking back to the counter. "Yea, he probably heard Clarks mom call for him!", yelled a voice from the back room. Chad and thomas laughed. "Shut up! You two are so immature....I get teased enough at school..." said Clark dropping his voice a bit. "Yea because you're a fag, I mean look at you man...you know....You need some better clothes, and a haircut man, not even my ex wore her hair that long." said Chad trying to control his laughing. And then something slapped against the window. "OH MY LORD", shrieked clark. ".........Wow you know, no wonder you get picked on at school...It was prolly just some stupid bird you know, can't believe you're such a sissy little bitch..." hissed chad. "BUT..BUT..." Clark was trying to find words. "BUT..BUT..BUT, WHAT!? HUH!? Seriously you go on my fucking nerves, with your little hippie bulls-" The door slammed open and into the store stumbled the fat man chad had seen earlier. "THERE YOU ARE, goddamn what took you so long, you go grab a hamburger at MC Donalds or something? God atleast you could've done was use a napkin to clean all that ketchup off of yourself..." was the sound coming out of chad. (I got tired of said, im very unamaginitive, man....) "H-Help me!...Crazy bastard bit me..!" was the sound coming out of the fat man. () "HOLD ON...RESIDENT EVIL 2, INTRO, AM I RIGHT?" said clark. and silence befell the room. "Uhh...yea...sure...Anyways man you gonna pay or not?" asked chad of the fat man. "Ough...heeell....p...." the fat man slumped on the floor. "Maybe he ate too much.." said thomas who had suddenly appeared next to chad. Dawn Of The Dead started playing in the TV's that are placed all around hollywood video. "Man, how can he eat too much, you know, it looks like too much is not in his vocabulary!" said chad. "Hmm....Maybe you're right, maybe hes just tired and took a nap, I hear old people do it all the time, I mean my grandparents do." was the scientific notion of thomas. "a-are you two totally stupid!? He's probably having a heart attack or something!" replied clark. Chad and thomas were silent. "CALL 911 YOU IDIOTS!" screamed clark. Chad and thomas scattered for the phone, as their minutes on their cellphones were not worth losing over a fat guy having a heart attack. "Uhh...lines busy or something..." said chad. "What do you mean? Nothing ever happens here, give me that!", clark took the phone away from chad. "What in the name of...it's not busy...the lines dead..." "Well...Sucks for him..." said thomas. "....You guys...oh my fricken god..." "What? Better him then me!" explained thomas. The fat man started moving again, groaning as he got up on his feet. "See, he's all good..." said thomas placing his hand on the fat mans shoulder, but quickly withdrew it as the ketchup got all over his hands. "eww..." "....G...Gi...GIve....Give me..." the fat man started gibbering. "Give, give you what, what do you need?" said clark. "I think he needs some pornos man, he looks like he could use em." said chad. "Give me your brains!" The store fell silent. "uh..yea...well...clark you go handle that, i'll be....in the back room....away..away from here..." said thomas quickly stepping into the back room. The fat man slowly started walking towards chad who quickly gave an excuse and ran into the back with thomas. "guys! Hey guys this is not funny-GUYS...uhh..ex...excuse me sir i'll be back!" said clark joining chad and thomas and locking the door behind them. "What the hell was that!?" said clark. "And you're asking us?", said chad and thomas at the same time.

Posted by: Elite viking March 23, 2005 11:01 am

lol? Hehe, funny story, I like it. It's a nice break from the dead serious ones ^^

Posted by: TheBlazeUK March 23, 2005 04:22 pm

I like it - just like a b-movie parody, with the hero explaining the crazyness of what happened to the disbelieving authorities. Reminds me of Return Of The Living Dead in a lot of ways. "Send..more...paramedics...".

Posted by: Keyes March 23, 2005 04:34 pm

tis good likin the humour

Posted by: Alpha March 24, 2005 06:57 am

chapter 2: In case of emergency break glass SMASH, the glass gave a dull sound as it recollected itself on the carpeted floor of the backroom. As chad grabbed the axe the glass protected, the TV showed our heros just now entering the mall. "Man I gotta kill this guy, you know!", chad told clark as he slowly glided his thumb across the blade of the axe. "Yes but not like this! I mean, this can't be happening! I don't even like horror movies!", said clark out loud starting to flail his arms around like a lunatic. "Chill out man, were only putting him out of his misery.", thomas patted clark on the back but quickly recoiled as clark turned to look at him. "Misery!? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH HIM!", clark was starting to look around himself as if doubting reality. ".....Fffleshhh!...Brainsszzzzz!....", the zombie started to pound and scratch at the door more voilently. "OK maybe we should think this through." said thomas. "thomas? Are you forgetting what day it is? it's not just friday thomas, it's drunken friday an-" "OH SHIT THAT'S RIGHT!", thomas threw a glance at the clock then grabbed the axe from chads' hands and took quick strides to the door. "THOMAS WAIT-", but clark was too late. "THIS IS FOR TRYING TO RUIN MY FRIDAY YOU SICK SONS OF BITCHES!", thomas kicked open the door and saw a a massive group of slouching corpses drag themselves through the biggest video store in a 40 mile radius. "OK THEN, SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!", thomas grabbed a sawed off shotgun and an ak-47 and started blasting any of the undead bastards that tried to come in his way of his jaegermeis- ====================================================== "wait, how the hell did he get those weapons?" "wait, did i say sawed off?" ====================================================== "THIS IS FOR TRYING TO RUIN MY FRIDAY YOU SICK SONS OF BITCHES!", thomas kicked open the door and saw a a massive group of slouching corpses drag themselves through the biggest video store in a 40 mile radius. Everything fell silent and the zombies started to eye thomas. "Oh hell no!" SLAM, the door slammed shut. "you fucking pussy!", yelled chad. "hey man fuck you you fucking fucker fuck-" "GUYS, GUYS! seriously...ok...I've thought this through as thomas opened that door. There's some rope somewhere around here and we can flip a coin over who gets to use it first-" "Clark....Please shut the fuck up now.", said thomas. "You're right thomas! Somewhere inbetween fuck and please i realized...ok, we can slip out of the vent, you know, and im guessing since the zombies got here so fast the downtown district of heavensgate is fucked. So i propose once we get out of here we dash for the gun store crazy al owns around the block and then head for the liquor store. After some looting, we'll bring bags of course, we'll get out of the downtown district and then steal a car where the streets aren't littered with debris. Then all we gotta do is pickup our friends, head for the hills, and we'll still have enough time for drunken friday.", proclaimed chad. "Capital idea Mr.chad.", said thomas. "YOU'RE, YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS!", said clark. but it was too late, chad and thomas were already getting ready to loot.

Posted by: Alpha March 24, 2005 07:35 am

Chapter 3: The Alleyway THUMP "ow my ass!" yelled thomas as he fell down in an alleyway next to his former workplace. "SHHH, they'll hear!", said clark helping thomas up. "Damn, how'd did they multiply so fast? As we began working all there was was some hobbo guy runnning around...." said chad peeking around the corner. "Does that really matter now? Look, if we follow this path we can reach the gun shop, if any zombies happen to come across our path, wich i doubt only a few will, use the axe to bash their brains in, that's what kills em right?, instructed clark. "Axe?", asked chad. "Yea the axe, use it if they're in the way." replied clark. "You didn't say bring the axe man." "yea man you didn't." "What? You didn-.....YOU FUCKING MORON!" yelled clark. Somewhere around the corner the terrible urge to compress the pain with some tender flesh between your teeth attracted some zombies to walk into the alley. "oh fuck! here they come, quick scatter! we'll meet at al's place!" said thomas. ====================================================== "So wait, you guys split up? That's stupid...besides its a fucking alleyway, how are you gonna get lost in there?" "Are..Are you telling this story? Cuz if you are, I mean, I didn't realize you were telling the story to someone who actually expirienced it." "....*sigh*....ok man, go go on!" "So ok, we all make it to the gunshop ok after dodging some zombies and running into my ex girlfriends mom, who i still planned to keep an oath too and that was to shoot her in the head." "You felt sorry for her, huh?" "No, she was just a fucking bitch." ====================================================== "*pant*, man what a bitch, I swear once i get a rifle Im going back and splatter her brains, you know...", said chad. Thomas was already picking the lock of the back door and smiled in glee as the lock gave a satisfying click. "Gentlemen, after you!", but the gentlemens club was greeted by a doublebarrel shotgun. (its not much sorry for those who actually like this story, I'll try to update some more tomorrow.)

Posted by: Nikku March 24, 2005 05:11 pm

Good story but A 40 mile radius Video store wow

Posted by: Alpha March 24, 2005 11:42 pm

lol no yea i should rephrase that maybe.....uhh...

Posted by: Gneralas March 25, 2005 12:33 am

Funny story.

Posted by: Keyes March 25, 2005 01:27 am

funny n i think there's nothing wrong wid a forty-mile radius video store...twould b useful n e ways...keep goin!

Posted by: Alpha November 26, 2007 12:06 pm

Chapter 4: The continuation of all continuationings "Hey....HEY, YOU AWAKE!?HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT YOU ARE BEING INTERROGATED?" "...*snore*-h-huh?Whoa my bad man, it's just all this talkin makes a man tired, ya know?" "...goddamn kids nowadays....Anyways, you got out of the Video store, made it past the alley with your cute little friends thomas and clark, off to the gunstore only to be greeted by a doublebarrel shotgun as soon as you got into the backdoor-" "Matt." "Pardon?" "His name was Matt not Clark." ".....You....You just told me this entire time your friends' names are thomas and clark." "Oh yea....Bad short term memory ya know? Anyways man this fool in the gunshop was straight trippin out, ya know? Like an episode of Cops with those hobbos hyped up on PCP, all beligerent n' shit, ya know?" ==================================================== "HOLY SHIT!", thomas backed out of the backdoor and lunged to the side like a movie sequence out of Metal Gear Solid. "What man? There some zombies in there or what!?" chad asked of him. "N-no man there's some crazy guy in there with a shotgun, and I think he's pissed off at something man.", thomas winced back. "What? Oh shit that must be that crazy fool Al.....Prolly tweaking on meth too........Hmm....alright guys I got a plan...", Chad proclaimed as calm as a priest reading the eulogy. "W-What is it?", Clark asked looking at Chad with hopeful eyes. "Alright....Here's the plan...-", chad pushed clark into the backdoor of the gunshop and slammed the door behind him, only to be countered by a bunch of screaming and banging. "I....I think he'll be alright.", chad told thomas not taking his eyes off of the door. KA-BAAAANG!, it had seemed the shotgun inside had discharged muffling all screams once and for all. "Uhh....t-thomas...Why don't you have a look and check up on our friend clark..." "FUCK THAT!, I'm about to bounce the hell out of here before we get eaten man! And I sure as hell ain't gonna get shot before I can raid the liquor store!" "Alright alright...Tell ya what....We'll both go in there because we're grown men and we're brave enough to do this...ya know?" Thomas and chad braved up slowly approaching the door, chad reached for the handle as silent as a ninja, opening it slowly he quickly reached for thomas' shoulder and catapulted him inside slamming the door behind him as he had done previously. "OH- YOU FUCKING ASSHO-" *SLAM* Chad backed away expecting another loud buckshot to go off, but instead he was only confronted by more silence. "What the hell....", chad looked at the door for a long time. Then realizing he was just spacing out he looked around himself only to realize the creeping shadows that had just recently turned heavensgate into a living nightmare were once again coming for his brain. "Shit shit shit....What do I do?", then glancing out of the cornor of his eye he saw the image of his mutilated ex-girlfriends mother. "OH YOU BITCH! I KNEW YOU'D COME AFTER MY ASS EVEN WHEN YOU'RE DEAD! OH THIS AIN'T OVER!", he quickly turned the knob of the gunstores backdoor and plunged himself into the darkness it concealed, with only one thing on his mind......I'm gonna see my ex-girlfriends mom dead!...or....err...dead-er...?

Posted by: iliketoblowzombieheadsoff November 27, 2007 06:12 am

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHH This is a damn good break from serious writing!!!! Good fanfic!! Funny when Chad keeps saying "you know" at some sentences Keep it up man!

Posted by: Alpha November 27, 2007 09:05 am

Chapter 5: Would you like fries with that gun? "You got a cigarette by any chance? i've been talking without a break since we started, ya know?" "......You've fallen asleep eight times now telling this story and you want a break?" "Nah just a cigarette kind officer man sir." "....God.....If i wasn't a cop I'd...." =========================================== "What the hell took you so long? Oh yea that's right you were busy pissing your pants like a little girl.", said thomas to Chad snickering. "Fuck off, where the hell is the shotgun weilding maniac?", Chad asked making his way from the backdoor through the hallway leading out to behind the stores counter from the supply room cou-COUGHING ================================================ "*cough**cough*- these Camel wides are a killer on your throat...ough...anyway.." ================================================ "You talkin' to me boy?", a figure emerged from the darkness of the supply room drenched in blood holding a shotgun tightly in his right hand as if it were a baseball bat, chunks of flesh were hanging from his beard. An odd thought crossed Chads mind, he looked like that one gnarly giant guy from harry potter the movie his girlfriend had made him see when they first started dating.....Could it be that evil wizards have come to their dimension to enslave them using the powers of the undead!? "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK PLEASE DON'T ENSLAVE MY SOUL!!!!!", chad threw himself on the ground infront of the giant as if he were praying to mecca. ".....Um....I'm al....The owner of this store..." "Oh....I....I knew that, I was just testing....Clark yea he's gullible like that..", said Chad uneasy getting back up on his feet. "You kids aren't bit are ya? I'd hate to put you out of your misery but I'll do it on the spot.", Al grunted as he reloaded his shotgun. "......................." "......................" "........................................knew we should've gone to the liquor store first..." "Quiet thomas he's serious, um no Mr.Al sir we actually just escaped-" "Good.", were the words Al muttered totally cutting clark off. "Ya'll grab a gun now who knows how many are out there by now, could be breaking in any second through my makeshift barricades....Reminds me of Nam...goddammit johnny...why you...?....WHY YOU JOHNNY IT SHOULD'VE KILLED ME!!!!" "..........................." "............................" thomas quickly grabs a baretta 9mm off of a supply shelf next to him and hides it behind his back, eyes wide open starring at al as he repeats his horryfing experience in Nam. CRASH! "UUUURRRGH....UUUNNNN......BRAINS......" "Goddammit too late! You kids get ready and help me lay down supporting fire on the store windows!!!" yelled Al running into the main room as all three just silently looked at eachother. "Well shit....Now I guess we're stuck here with fucking General Patton fighting off undead legions while we could be out getting trashed. Great fucking job clark.", said thomas gathering all the guns and ammo he could carry. "Yea clark, great fucking job." concurred chad doing the same. "W-What? We all agreed on coming here!", but there was no more arguing as now all that was heard was Al's hysteric laughter as he unloaded shell after shell.

Posted by: SDWBOSS November 27, 2007 07:28 pm

*scared* *runs away*

Posted by: Alpha December 18, 2007 10:59 am

I don't know if I can continue, I'm having mental blockage.

Posted by: SDWBOSS December 18, 2007 12:51 pm

*nudge, nudge* Suddenly a great rumbling filled the supply room, and the two fell silent as a mass of bodies burst through the bricked wall of the building, flesh and masonry skidding across the floor. A bright white light and a deafening roar issued from the fresh breach. (maybe it could be a bulldozer breaking through the wall to rescue them, or could just be the mass of zombies, hope that helps you along a bit)

Posted by: Alpha December 23, 2007 10:03 am

"You know what Mr. Officer sir? Since you started interrogating me you've never bothered to tell me your name....Maybe I just missed your name tag, ya know? shit happens." "My name's Gomez. Sgt. James Gomez of Paradise City police department, but you can call me Jesus Christ Mr.Chad because if your story doesn't fucking start making any sense it's gonna take a goddamn miracle of me not to shot you on the spot for killing half the population of Heavens Gate!!" "Whoa Whoa Mr.Bossman, weren't you listening this entire time? I WAS UNDER ATTACK BY ZOMBIES!" "CUT THE SHIT CHAD YOU'RE A GODDAMN MURDERER AND YOUR CRAZY STORY ABOUT ZOMBIES AIN'T CONVINCING ANYBODY! NOW IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO CONTINUE THIS SHIT JUST KEEP ON TALKING IN THE MICROPHONE, I DOUBT THE JUDGE WILL EVEN LISTEN TO A SECOND OF THIS SHIT!" ============================================ "ARGH! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU KIDS!? THE ZOMBIES, THE ZOMBIES ARE ALLIED WITH THE FUCKING GOOKS AND THEY'RE COMING WITH TANKS AND ARTILLERY!!! I KNEW IT SINCE '68!!!!", yelled Al through the constant explosions coming from the mainroom, his shotgun bursts now deafened by the roar of zombies and what seemed like an APC engine. "Alright guys....Lets just do this....But whatever happens....It'll be Clarks fault." said Thomas cocking the shotgun he had picked up last. "Yea-wait, WHY ALWAYS ME!" yelled clark, but it fell on deaf ears as chad and thomas proceeded to the door leading into what seemed like a warzone. RA-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT, the three ducked for cover behind the stores counter as a machine gun shredded through the store killing everything that was moving, as chad went to peek over the counter as cloud of smoke was just evaporating revealing the mass amounts of dead zombie corpses piled up on the floor. "SO-S-SOVIETS! FUCKING COMMIES! THEY'LL NEVER GET ME ALIVE!", Al threw off a metallic plating he had used to cover himself from the hail of bullets and started blasting away at the source of the machinegun fire, an APC which did not have any US military markings. BANG!, a hatch ontop of the APC flew open and with it a gas masked clad figure with an assault rifle that silenced Al the crazy gun shop owner with a bullet to his head. "OH MY....OH MY GOD.....THEY'RE NOT COMMIES...THEY'RE FUCKING ALIENS!", yelled thomas, looking at chad who opened his eyes wide in disbelief, obviously concurring thomas' statement. "PHREEZZE!", the alien shouted at the three pointing his rifle at them. The alien climbed down from his APC, and so did three others who looked similar to the first. They went around the gunshop securring every window, no matter how boarded up it was. Finally the alien who had first appeared out of the APC approached chad and took off his gas mask and helmet. "I'm Lt. Smith part of the Umbrella Special Ops, we ran out out of fuel for our APC and made a list ditch effort to find a secure place to be evacuated from. Sorry about your friend but we were ordered to fire open any hostiles."