Powered by Invision Power Board [ Resend Validation Email ]
Welcome Guest [ Log In · Register ]
Forum Rules HelpSearchMembersCalendar


 
Reply to this topicStart new topicStart Poll
[ Track this topic · Email this topic · Print this topic ]
> Mankind itself Doomed, my first zombie story.
Private Wolvenrage
Posted: March 20, 2008 10:13 am
Quote Post


Experienced Killer
**

Group: Members
Posts: 61

Joined: March 19, 2008



Alright, this is my first zombie story, and it is not an RP. It might become one later, but for the meanwhile, no.


Jason? Jason?? Jason, where are you??? the voice cried out. Little did Simon know that he was already the undead.

"Jason? Holy crap, what happened to you? You look like-" Simon was cut off, by Jason leaping onto him,

Jason, the now deceased undead, was ripping Simon apart, limb by limb, and also eating him.

"OH MY GOD!!! SOMEONE HELP ME! PLEASE, HE-ARGHH-HURK... *gurgle gurgle gurgle*". This was only the start of the virus that would kill hundreds, maybe thousands.

Who am I? My name is Jordan Hill, and I am broadcasting this message from my local shopping mall. We are a group of survivors that managed to get inside the mall. We need assistance. Some of us have children, and Loved ones still alive.

I do not have much knowledge on what happened, but I will try to fill out the blanks.



Well, it was just an ordinary day at the mall, as I was a security guard there. Lunchbreak began. So, me and my friends decided to take some drinks from McDonalds and sit around, eat some food, talk.

However, something strange happened. We went to the counter. No one there, except customers. One of them said:

"Oh, Guard, we have been waiting for 10 minutes. Can you go and see what's happening behind the counter?". 10 Minutes... something wrong is going on. We'd better get some assistance for this. Me and my friends saw some other guards around, and said:

"It's k, just hold on a second." We walked over to the other guards, and asked for help. They agreed.

Behind the counter, we were going out of sight of the customers. We turned our corner to see dead bodies everywhere. Suddenly, they all twitched their heads in our direction. "What the fuck?" my friend, Lachlan, said. The corpses got up, and shambled to our direction.

We noticed that they didn't look human at all... they all had huge chunks of their flesh written out. Then, they attacked.

"OPEN FIRE! OPEN FIRE!!!" The place had gunfire spreading everywhere. I went back to the counter to tell the customers:

LEAVE THE FOOD COURT NOW!!! GATHER THE GUARDS, AND TELL THEM TO COME HERE WITH THEIR PISTOLS READY!!!

That was just the start. I will broadcast more information later.

_____________________________________________________________________

Again, my first zombie story. Had to edit it to fix it up a bit.


NEXT PART BELOW



This post has been edited by Private Wolvenrage on March 20, 2008 10:20 pm


--------------------
User Posted Image

I AM ZOMBIE ASSASSIN'S UNCLE! ANYONE TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND THAT SHOULD DIE!
PMEmail Poster
Top
Private Wolvenrage
Posted: March 20, 2008 10:39 pm
Quote Post


Experienced Killer
**

Group: Members
Posts: 61

Joined: March 19, 2008



Jordan Hill, back online. I am broadcasting everything that happened.

Well, this is when the outbreak came. All the guards in the mall could'nt help. We kept firng our guns. Then, I placed a well-aimed headshot at one of them. That made them go down.

___________________________________________________________________

JOKE PART laugh.gif


I then saw Frank West taking a crap on top of a zombie. Then he pissed on me, and jumped off the balcony.


JOKE PART OVER biggrin.gif

___________________________________________________________________

"SHOOT THE HEAD! THE HEAD!!!" I said. However, all the other guards got bitten, miraculously, me and Lachlan weren't. We decided to run. The police arrived, running from a huge mob of the infected, shooting at them. Swat teams, as well. Some police arrived by helicopter, but the only helicopter crashed, while it's inhabitants jumped out.


_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My mum wants the computer... so ill post more later.


--------------------
User Posted Image

I AM ZOMBIE ASSASSIN'S UNCLE! ANYONE TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND THAT SHOULD DIE!
PMEmail Poster
Top
_CiviliaN^SoldieR_
Posted: March 21, 2008 12:34 am
Quote Post


civilized d00d
**********

Group: Moderators
Posts: 3250

Joined: November 01, 2004



This is actually constructive critisism.

Your writing style is messy and becomes hard to read and your typing is bland, after around 10 seconds of reading your attention becomes hard to focus. Work on your Grammar and choice of words, perhaps a better lay out for your sentences. Apart from that, the idea is pretty cool.

Example,

Yours

Jason? Jason?? Jason, where are you??? the voice cried out. Little did Simon know that he was already the undead.

"Jason? Holy crap, what happened to you? You look like-" Simon was cut off, by Jason leaping onto him

Mine

"Jason? Jason? JASON? where are You?," Simon cried out! Unfortunately, naive Simon was unkowing that his friend, Jason, had brutally been submerged to the ranks of the walking undead.

"Jason! Holy crap!," The alarmed Simon shrieked! Before Simon was able to react he was violently pounced at by the disguistingly deformed Jason lunging onto his defenceless friend.



Try again by reworking your words and grammar, keep a cleaner lay out. I'm not Grade A english student but I'm sure it's easier to read.


--------------------
User Posted Image
PMEmail Poster
Top
Private Wolvenrage
Posted: March 21, 2008 02:29 am
Quote Post


Experienced Killer
**

Group: Members
Posts: 61

Joined: March 19, 2008



Thanks.


Im still thinking of ideas...

This post has been edited by Private Wolvenrage on March 21, 2008 02:30 am


--------------------
User Posted Image

I AM ZOMBIE ASSASSIN'S UNCLE! ANYONE TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND THAT SHOULD DIE!
PMEmail Poster
Top
Topic Options Reply to this topicStart new topicStart Poll