I started getting ideas for this a few days ago. So, I finally wrote part of it. I hadn't posted here in a few years, I was about 10 or 11 back then. Now I'm 13. Please use creative criticism, I don't want to come back here to see the only post was "LOL IT SUXXED KTHXBI" I want to see "It was nice, but you could have added more description, metaphors, similes, etc". Tell me what I need to add (if anything), what I should remove (if anything), why it sucks, or if it's good . Well.. Here it is:

My name is Rob. Rob Turner. I am 20 years old and I work in an office for an insurance company. I am 6'4" and I weigh 203 pounds. I live in New Jersey.


After getting ready to go to work, I got in my 2001 Jeep Wrangler, took the hood down, and sped off down my street. I arrived at my office 25 minutes later. I continued work on a document, which was due in 3 days, when out of nowhere, a scream burst itself into the air. Shannon, my female co-worker, collapsed while getting up from a chair in her cubicle, only a few cubicles away from mine. I instantly knew her voice, for it was a high pitched and small voice. I got up from my chair as soon as I heard it. I ran to her cubicle to see her unconcious on the ground. I said loudly "Shannon?! Shannon can you hear me!?". There was no sign of life on her. I checked for a pulse. Nothing. Everything from there on to the rest of the day was just a huge blur. I barely remember anything. I only remember calling 911 and asking for a paramedic. It seems nobody could figure out what happened. They rushed her to the hospital. After my shift was over, I went home to unwind. I walked through the front door, took off my hat, jacket, tie, and hung it all on a hatrack. I went up the stairs and into my bedroom. I took off my shirt, belt, pants, and threw it all into the laundry chute. I slept. I slept for a long time, too, for that matter. I just remember seeing 8:45 PM before dozing off.


When I woke up, I remembered I had no work today. I went back to sleep. I finally woke up at 11:43 AM. What would I do today? Watch TV all day, for I live with nobody, and have no plans what-so-ever. So I got dressed into some comfortable jeans, got into my favorite white Jets T-Shirt, and climbed down the stairs. I slouched down into the couch. Found the clicker, and turned on the TV. Hm. No football. Actually, no channels at all. All "Please stand-by". Every single channel. Even the news and weather channel. I got up, agrivated, and walked into the kitchen. The phone wasn't on the hook. I found it laying on the table. I grabbed it, and pressed the "Talk" button. No dial tone. The phone wasn't charged. Even more angry, I marched out the front door, not caring to grab my shoes to the neighbors house to ask about the TV. I knocked on the door. "Luis? Luis!" I called. No answer. I decided he was out back. I walked around his house, through the fence, and called his name again. "Luis!" I yelled. Still no answer. I turned around, and in the corner of my eye, on the glass of the side door, was a large bloody hand-print. I looked closer. I looked through the door, to see the body of luis laying facedown. There was an enormous gaping hole in his back. Almost like it was torn open by some crazed beast hungry for blood. Blood was everywhere. On the once-white refridgerator, the floor, the wall, the counter. Oh.. Jesus.." I said in a quiet voice, and turned around instantly and covered my mouth. I thought I was going to be sick. I sprinted as fast as I could, into the kitchen, grabbed the phone. I forgot my phone was dead, and hadn't charged long enough yet. "DAMNIT!" I shouted and threw the phone, full force, straight into the kitchen floor. It exploded into large pieces. I grabbed my shoes, and ran outside once again.


I sprinted across the wet lawn, dew spewing everywhere. Suddenly, I stopped so fast I almost tripped over my own feet. "SHOOOM!" screamed the engine of a small car as it flew by me, missing only by about a foot and a half. I stared at the car like the driver was a maniac. I thought he actually was insane. "SLOW DOWN!" I screamed at the top of lungs at the car. I crossed the street, carefully this time, looking both directions of the road, and knocked on the front door of my OTHER neighbors house. His car was gone. I figured there was going to be no answer. Jess, a young, fragile blonde, the neighbors new wife, opened the door and in a small voice asked, "May I help you?". I asked impatiently, "I need to use your phone, i have a huge emergency!". Looking panicked, she quickly retrieved me her house phone. I dialed 911 as fast as possible. The phone rang twice and a calm womanly voice said "911 emergency service, what is your emergency?", and I said loudly, almost screaming, "My neighbor must of tripped or something I don't know, but he is laying on the ground in his kitchen not moving! It's extremely gruesome!". The phone was quiet for about 2 seconds, all I could hear was her voice, not being able to hear what she was saying, sounding far away. "Hello?", I asked. "An ambulance has been dispatched. It is heading to your location immediatly" she replied. I thanked her and hung up. Suddenly, I heard a large bang, coming from Luis' house. I walked over, scared, and peeked through the door. I saw nothing. Luis' body was gone. CRASH! The side door glass exploded into thousands of tiny shards, spewing everywhere. Two bloody hands, the hands of my once-neighbor Luis, grabbed out at me. He grabbed my shirt, but quickly lost grip "What the hell!?" I yelled and backed up immediatly. I tripped over my feet, landing on my back. I heard a groan, coming from my left. I turned my head, to see the neighbor who lives to the left of Luis. But he was soaked in blood. "Jerry?" I asked. He groaned again. He immediatly dove for me, but not far enough. He just kind of plopped onto the ground. He was making wierd, gurgling noises, looking straight at me and reaching for me. I figured he was severely injured also, and I grabbed his hand, thinking he couldn't get up alone. He pulled my hand close to his mouth. I pulled away immediatly, just as I could feel his breath. But his breath wasn't hot. It was cold. Extremely cold. I ran into my house, grabbed my car keys, knowing that something was obviously wrong, and started up my Jeep. I didn't even wait for it to warm up as I sped out of my driveway and into the road. Just as I exited the driveway, I could see Luis, and Jerry, my both now in-human neighbors slowly shambling towards my Jeep in the mirror. I looked away from the rear-view mirror. I didn't want to see any more.


I sped downtown. I must have been going atleast 70 miles per hour, but I didn't really care. I screeched to a halt directly infront of a Wal-Mart. I got out of the car. I caught my breath, not knowing how I lost it if I was driving, and waited for my heart to stop racing. After a few minutes, I finally calmed down, but not completely. I was terrified. What happened to those two? Where they trying to hurt me? Or was I just imagining that? Why was Jerry's breath so cold? No human being could possibly be still alive and moving after taking the amount of damage Luis took. I walked into the Wal-Mart General Store. The sliding doors opened squeakily. I moved slowly to the cash registers. Nobody was in sight. "Hello?" I called. No answer. I moved throughout the store, from section to section. I called every few seconds. "Hello? Hello??" I called. Out of nowhere, I heard a loud "Munghh.." and spun around, knowing it was from somewhere behind me. A figure was slowly limping towards me. There was a hideous bite mark on the back of his injured leg, on the big fleshy calf. I said in terror, "Are you okay?" He groaned again. He came close to me. He reached out at me. I couldn't move. My legs just wouldn't work. They were glued to the floor. I couldn't talk either. I felt like I was choking on an entire apple. The man was slowly making its way towards me. He grabbed my wrist and pulled down at it as he tripped. He pulled me down with him, and attempted to bite me while he was falling. He missed my wrist, and smashed his jaw onto the hard tile floor. I tore his grip off of me and got up. He grabbed my leg just as I turned around to run away and tripped me. He was now drooling over my calf. I looked around. The only weapon I could find was a pile of 2x4's and other kinds of building materials. I reached out at a plank. I just tipped one, and it fell over. I grabbed it with both hands. Just before he sank his teeth into my leg, I bashed him in the side of the face with the 2x4, forcing his head to the side. His jaw became dislodged. "Ugh!" I said disgustingly. His grip didn't loosen at all. I hit him again, this time straight down into the floor. His half-loose jaw bashed up into his face. The mutilated jaw fell off. His grip loosened, and tons of blood began to pour out of his face. I smashed at the top of his head again. The back of his head caved in this time, and he stopped moving. I ran away, not losing my grip of the 2x4. I found no other forms of life in the entire store. I definetly knew that something was wrong now. These people were.. something else. Not human.

This post has been edited by kylel999 on July 16, 2007 06:14 pm

Does nobody like it?

Oh shiyet, sorry kyle, I didn't have time to read it..
Don't worry, once I get back from that blasted fair, I'll take time and read it.


edit:
Read and enjoyed.
A bit too long, but hey it's pretty good!
Fix a bit of yar spelling there. I only found 2 or so mistakes but not so large. You're good at this!!!
Oh and wow, so you'll leave the character already infected? He got bitten. What'll happen?!

This post has been edited by iliketoblowzombieheadsoff on July 15, 2007 09:50 am

Nah, he wasn't bitten.

Wait, if you're talking about the first paragraph, thats the end of the story; the whole story is a "flashback" to how he ended up dying. Or, the last paragraph, where he ALMOST gets bitten. He isn't bitten, but almost is.

Should I add more??

Oh nevahmind then.
Thought you will continue it.

Maybe tell something more about how he'll die.

I will continue it, it's not over yet. He isn't dead yet.

Sounds good.

I knew what I had to do. I found the pile of wood where I had killed that.. thing. I found some nails and screws in the same aisle. I retrieved a hammer and a power-drill. I boarded up the automatic sliding glass doors. First with a few 2x4's, then covered that completely with plywood. Finally, to finish it all up, I found myself a single sheet of thin metal and covered up a small section of the plywood.

"There", I said, looking over my work. I wiped the sweat off my brow. I turned around and saw another person, about 100 feet away from me. He was just staring at me. I didn't say anything. I just starting slowly backing up. My heart stopped. Then, suddenly, he said,
"I heard some noise, what happened down here?"
My heart started beating again. In a relieved voice, I replied
"Where the hell where you? I checked the entire store for life and found nothing but that.. thing.. back there!"
"I was in the attic. Also known as the storage space"
"Well.. do you know what the hell is happening down here?!"
"Yes, yes I do."
"Okay, well, I boarded up the automatic sliding doors." I said.
"We can turn off power for the sliding doors for an additional defense" said the man, "by the way, my name is John, I'm a janitor here."
"Nice to meet you", I said, and shook his hand.
"Do you know anything about these things?" he asked.
"Nope."
"They feel nothing. No thoughts, no pain. All they care about is food. Not warm food though. All they want is red meat. Once they bite a living thing, a virus that caused them to be like this spreads. Within 24 hours you fall unconscious, if it doesn't kill you, and you re-animate. You rise. Like some old zombie movie."
I was speechless. I suddenly knew how serious this was. After a few minutes of total silence, I finally said
"Lets de-activate those doors."

This post has been edited by kylel999 on July 18, 2007 04:34 pm

hmm , well you start off with the dude infected.


then the twist is . do you turn him into a zombie to feast on the flesh of the living ?
or do you heal him in the form of a miracle ?

I deleted the first fucking paragraph. Re-read the whole story so it'll make sense. He WAS NEVER BITTEN! NOT ONCE DID I SAY HE WAS BITTEN


holy SHIT you guys are not smart!

This post has been edited by kylel999 on July 16, 2007 06:14 pm

Damn, dude.
At least we're reading your story. Nobody would read this for its length. I for one took time to read it. Well sure maybe I breezed through it, but I read it to make you glad.

The first segment you could have separted the paragraphs into more paragraphs. You're story is a bit "robotic" in the sense of, "I went to the store. I got bread. I drove home. I made bread." I mean, besides my actual actions, it's not very exciting, eh? You actually didn't need to add his height or his weight. For some reason it bothers me when people do that. Your choice of words are also small and repetitive:

"I instantly knew her voice, for it was a high pitched and small voice."

It's a no-no to use a word - like voice - twice in a sentence like that. You didn't need the second voice in there at all. You do stuff like this every once in awhile in your story.

Also, the way the people talk to each other doesn't seem lively or real.

Things to do:
1) use better choice of words
2) use of paragraphs
3) make the people's speech less akward

Thre is a small dose of criticism for ya'.

Yeah, sometimes I accidentally do that, where I add the same word in a sentence twice, I know it's a no-no
I try to make my story a LITTLE robotic, but not so UN-robotic it's like 4 paragraphs of a guy walking down his street.
As for dialogue (speech), I try to make it as human as possible, not everyone can speak like a robot or a super secret military agent with a really cool mono-tone voice

This post has been edited by kylel999 on July 18, 2007 04:32 pm

Good for you, Ari. It shouldn't take that much brainpower to learn how to understand something the first time it is said, especially when you can go back and read it again. What I'm talking about is how I had to post "He was never bitten" about 4 times. I also couldn't get the word "FLASHBACK" through their minds.