Rise over them..., ZOMBIE STORY AGIAN |
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Rise over them..., ZOMBIE STORY AGIAN| -=Chris Redfield=- |
Posted: August 29, 2005 09:39 pm
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 Baby Slayer  Group: Members Posts: 1299 Joined: October 19, 2004  |
It was OK, but commas and capitilaztion errors litter the whole thing. You may want to fix that, or at least on the next installment.
 --------------------  (1) I like to beat women. (2) I like to beat babies (3) I like to beat women while beating babies (4). I like to watch women beat their babies...and then I beat the women. |
   
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| mrchace |
Posted: September 02, 2005 02:22 pm
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 Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
The lights clicked on, ever closer, welcoming her to safety...it was a man...she thought she knew him...she was pretty sure she did....what was his name?
Jordan .... It called out to her like a man lost in oblivion...the voice deep and cold...yet warming at the same time...the feeling was exotic... He drew ever closer....she thought he knew she was there...but she wasnt sure...so she stood up and began walking towards him.... the lights didnt click on in front of her....she backed up....she was not going to walk into the darkness for a second...who knows what could be prowling in there? And it looked like a whole nother 10-20meters to the other light... He was getting close enough to talk to "JORDAN!!!!" she yelled "YEAH?" he replied hand cupped around his mouth...his voice was pleasantly soothing...she could make out his features now...he began running towards her "STOP!" she screamed...urgency in her voice He did...slowly...he entered the darkness a little bit "I think theres something in there" she slowly said ........Silence.... He reached around into the backpack slung over his shoulders...he was wearing the same thing she saw him in earlier that day... .... or yesterday? he pulled out a flashlight...he clicked it on and shone it around...the white beam stopped on the wall...except it wasnt just a wall...there was something on it...a monster with 4 legs...which it seemed to walk on...its brain was exposed and its tongue come out of his mouth...moving like a tentacle... It jumped off the wall and landed hard on Jordans chest...he didnt get a shot off before the thing landed on him.... she screamed.....then a black clad figure dropped from the ceiling....piercing the monsters brain with its sword...the figure tore the monsters brain in half before dragging its body off of Jordan. The black clad figure extended its hand to Jordan...he took it and the figure lifted him to his feet... Alyssa ran through the darkness to them....she wondered who this man/woman was. And how she couldnt have noticed him/her before... ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Btw if you hadnt noticed...the black clad figure is nikku -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| -=Chris Redfield=- |
Posted: September 02, 2005 10:22 pm
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Baby Slayer Group: Members Posts: 1299 Joined: October 19, 2004 |
All right. One thing though, less periods, please. The "..." are usually used for characters to trail off when they speak or when their is a long pause. Instead of the words so - "so she stood up and began walking" - use a different word please. I distaste the word when used; it may just be personal preference, but just using a bigger words would look much better.
 Other than that it was pretty good, but a bit short. The monster sounds very similiar to the Licker in Resident Evil. -------------------- (1) I like to beat women. (2) I like to beat babies (3) I like to beat women while beating babies (4). I like to watch women beat their babies...and then I beat the women. |
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| mrchace |
Posted: September 02, 2005 10:39 pm
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
Allright i will keep that in mind, thank you for being a loyal reader
and it is the licker...hes my favorite monster -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| mrchace |
Posted: September 04, 2005 08:20 pm
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
So did i lose my fan base? it seems i did? cause no one is commenting
-------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| Mic2070 |
Posted: September 05, 2005 12:22 am
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 Doom Trooper Group: Old BB:S Betatesters Posts: 1112 Joined: July 29, 2005 |
Double post PWNED ! Yeahh nikku teh ninja Good so far. More ! "Melons are like boobies !" --------------------   |
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| Nikku |
Posted: September 05, 2005 04:07 am
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 Mr. Coke Group: Old BB:S Betatesters Posts: 3114 Joined: December 12, 2004 |
PURE PWNAGE MAN, PURE PWNAGE!
-------------------- Only when you gick, will you truly fish...
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