Rise over them..., ZOMBIE STORY AGIAN |
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Rise over them..., ZOMBIE STORY AGIAN| mrchace |
Posted: May 07, 2005 05:34 am
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 Co-Lead Elite Betatester  Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005  |
man if bad grammar and spelling pisses you guys off that much...I'll hire a freaking author to proof read my story...now for the next part..
(PS I do the whole story in one sitting or else i will lose train of thought) John S. Grant peers out the window at the chaos of the streets below. Women and children running and screaming, men, well some of them, trying to fight the beasts of with there hands or the nearest item. The lucky ones, those that own a gun, taking warning shots towards the beasts, then screaming in agony as the are eaten alive....The glass shatters in front of him as SGT Williams crashes to the floor. Sounds of the street driving john crazy as his head hits the metal hand rail next to the stair leading to the elevator....Black...then red overcoming his sight. his life flashing before his eyes. His childhood, His first kiss, his wife, his kids, his house, all slipping from his grasp. Williams pushes him self off of the floor, pulling the glass from his face, lucky for him his gear protected his eyes. The first thing he sees is the man, with blood pouring from the large crack in his head. Williams rushes to his aid only to notice that he is far from helping. he takes a look around. To his left are stair with Beautiful velvet carpeting leading him towards the elevator and main stairs. he unbuckles his parachute and tosses it out the window. He stumbles towards the elevator knocking over several chairs, tables, and lamps. the glass shattering in to beautiful shards on the grounds. his legs were numb up to his crotch. he reached for his pistol...still there, but he couldn't feel his M4A1 (Further Known as Rifle) he took a peek over his shoulder and crashed to the ground as he tripped over a tipped over chair. His shoulder feeling as if he was laying in fire. he struggled to get himself to his feet. whence he steadied himself he dumped his rifle ammo on the ground. and continued to the elevator. He pushes to button only to hear a loud clanking sound as the elevator breaks from his cords and crashes to the bottom floor and the explosion rattles up the elevator shaft blowing each floors elevator door open. Williams dives down just as the door explodes. he could feel a very large chunk of metal skim the top of his head. the fire alarm shrieking in his ears. the water soaking him from his feet to his head...This is just not his day Positive and Negative Feedback welcomed..no offence will be taken...just one note...IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE STORY STOP READING IT...and...If you would like to discuss the story make an off topic forum for discussing anything...thank you and goodnight... PS I LIKE  -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
    
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| mrchace |
Posted: May 07, 2005 05:39 am
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
I just posted but i got some time so i will put somebackgound to the story
Sgt Terrance Williams Is a Rank 4 Sargent With extencive knowlage of fire arms and explosive. further more his also has extencive surviaval training. He is one the roof of the building because he was sent on a mission to gather any survivers there may be and there are alot at this time because it is only a couple of hours after the initial outbreak Thats all i can think up rigt bout now so thank you for reading my story and i appreciate all the feedback This post has been edited by mrchace on May 10, 2005 01:41 pm -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| Dragontail |
Posted: May 08, 2005 01:46 am
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 Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 96 Joined: March 27, 2005 |
I like your story just fine. I especially like the fact that you weren't afraid to start bashing your main character right off the bat. Many people tend to baby their hero through the adventure. Don't take the criticism as negative feedback, we just want to see your story be the best that it possibly can be. The little things like typos and grammar can build up and start to take away from the fun of it. You obviously took the time to write the initial draft, so you did the bulk of the work. It only takes a few minutes to go back through and edit. Nobody writes a perfect draft the first time through. My personal preference is three re-writes, minimum. I do 4 or 5 if I have time and am not feeling too lazy. I also hit other people up to read a draft and ensure that it makes sense.
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| mrchace |
Posted: May 08, 2005 04:14 am
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
ya thanks for all your help with the story so far...and thank every one else to...i found just a program to cheack grammer AND spelling =) and i have my best friend (damn smart man if i might add) read it to make some sentance fluency cheacks... thank you -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| mrchace |
Posted: May 12, 2005 12:28 am
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
He stumbled to his feet, peering around for another exit....He noticed the stairs. He stumbled towards them banging into the walls. he looked down at his feet only to notice that he was bleeding. he stopped to take a look at his leg. he saw that there was a large gash in his leg, it was bleeding pretty bad. his leg was also very numb. he took the belt from around his waist and tied it around his leg to try and prevent further blood loss. the gash did not look like a bite mark...but to be safe he covered it with a rag to prevent infection. he continued to the stairs. he reached for the door handle only to find it was locked. he took his rifle from his shoulder and fired 3 shots into the key hole then preceded to fire 4 shots into the hinges of the door. the door fell into his direction making a loud metallic *DING*. seconds later he heard thumping of those monster from below him and above him. he had woken the whole community. he panicked. the stair light making shadows of the hand rails playing tricks with his mind. he wasted 4 shots on a railing head. the thumping came closer and closer. he pulled a flashlight from his pack shining it at the flights of stairs. he looked up...nothing, he looked down...nothing. he walked forward to peer down the space between the stair when he was grabbed from behind, he felt pressure and a little pain on his shoulder. he elbowed his assailant then turned and fired 3 shots into his head. it was one of those monsters. he was damn lucky he was wearing a Kevlar vest. he swore then backed into the room he came only to notice that zombies were coming from another entrance to the room...with zombies coming from everywhere he had only one thing to do.....
Please i would love more feedback. it is all shaping my story to make it the best it can be. thank you for reading. PS i know it ruins the story but it takes to much time to do capitalization..so i dont...and you lucky that i do spell cheacks +) -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| Dragontail |
Posted: May 12, 2005 02:13 am
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 96 Joined: March 27, 2005 |
Hey, big improvement on this installment. As for the story it is intense. Right now it sounds pretty hopeless for the poor guy, I'm wondering how he will get out of it (or if you're just going to off him).
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| mrchace |
Posted: May 12, 2005 03:28 am
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
I guess you will just have to see wont you? -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| mrchace |
Posted: May 15, 2005 05:19 am
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
.:8 Hours Later:.
Williams walked across the dimly lit room to the fridge so he could get something to drink. Almost bonking his head on a ceiling light he asked, "You want anything Jare?" "No, Nothing" He reached for a coke, popped the cap and chugged it. he walked slowly back to the couch he was recently sitting on, watching out for the low hanging ceiling lamps. He peered at the entrance....the light over there flickering, playing tricks with his eyes, giving him images of death and doom. Jared S. Carrensata, looking straight ahead unblinking said "I....I...." He put his hands over his face... "I think I'm....infected....." Williams neck cracked as he looked towards Jared. "Tell me your kidding!?" "No...I wouldnt kid about this, its only a matter of time...." He, still unblinking, looked at Williams. "I...want you to shoot me, I, I dont want to be one of those....things" "No, No I cant...we have been friends since before I can remember..." "If you were my friend you would save me from this misery..." "I...cant" "It is your duty to do so" "NO!" Williams departed the room in a hurry almost tipping the couch as he rose. Jared just kept staring at the couch, unblinking, not feeling the need...he could feel his body turning as he sat there. his inside melting and squishing together, getting weaker and weaker.... PS: I wonder what would happen if i wrote this story on -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| ShadowGL |
 Posted: May 15, 2005 10:59 am
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 61 Joined: May 15, 2005 |
more man more ive seen ur last zombie stories and they rock so keep going with this one
-------------------- [url=http://profile.xfire.com/shadowgreenleader]
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| mrchace |
Posted: May 15, 2005 11:52 am
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
fo'shizzle -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| mrchace |
Posted: May 16, 2005 10:21 pm
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
This us the edited version ran through word This is the story so far
"Williams" Yelled his Team member Karen Chase. SGT Terrence D. Williams turned just in time to see his teammates neck ripped open by one of those hideous monsters. Williams unloaded a clip from his rifle into his teammates and monster's bodies. He had no time to cry, no time to think. He took a quick peek around looking at the remains of his squad. No one....no one alive. The monsters were coming towards him doing there slow shambling walk. he ran through the crowd of monsters and emerged without a scratch...he dove off the side of the building flying towards that ground going 60 feet per second, the wind blinding him from seeing. The sound of the wind through his ears hindering his thinking. The wind cutting at his skin feeling as though he was being pierced by thousands of tiny needles. He reached for the string of his parachute, hoping it was the right time, praying to god..... John S. Grant peers out the window at the chaos of the streets below. Women and children running and screaming, men, well some of them, trying to fight the beasts of with there hands or the nearest item. The lucky ones, those that own a gun, taking warning shots towards the beasts, then screaming in agony as the are eaten alive....The glass shatters in front of him as SGT Williams crashes to the floor. Sounds of the street driving john crazy as his head hits the metal hand rail next to the stair leading to the elevator....Black...then red overcoming his sight. His life flashing before his eyes. His childhood, His first kiss, his wife, his kids, his house, all slipping from his grasp. Williams pushes him self off of the floor, pulling the glass from his face, lucky for him his gear protected his eyes. The first thing he sees is the man, with blood pouring from the large crack in his head. Williams rushes to his aid only to notice that he is far from helping. He takes a look around. To his left are stairs with Beautiful velvet carpeting leading him towards the elevator and main stairs. He unbuckles his parachute and tosses it out the window. He stumbles towards the elevator knocking over several chairs, tables, and lamps. The glass shattering in to beautiful shards on the grounds. His legs were numb up to his crotch. He reached for his pistol...still there, but he couldn't feel his M4A1 (Further Known as Rifle) he took a peek over his shoulder and crashed to the ground as he tripped over a tipped over chair. His shoulder feeling as if he was lying in fire. He struggled to get himself to his feet. Whence he steadied himself he dumped his rifle ammo on the ground. And continued to the elevator. He pushes to button only to hear a loud clanking sound as the elevator breaks from his cords and crashes to the bottom floor and the explosion rattles up the elevator shaft blowing each floors elevator door open. Williams dives down just as the door explodes. He could feel a very large chunk of metal skim the top of his head. The fire alarm shrieking in his ears. The water soaking him from his feet to his head...This is just not his day He stumbled to his feet; peering around for another exit....He noticed the stairs. He stumbled towards them banging into the walls. He looked down at his feet only to notice that he was bleeding. He stopped to take a look at his leg. He saw that there was a large gash in his leg, it was bleeding pretty badly. His leg was also very numb. He took the belt from around his waist and tied it around his leg to try and prevent further blood loss. The gash did not look like a bite mark...but to be safe he covered it with a rag to prevent infection. He continued to the stairs. He reached for the door handle only to find it was locked. He took his rifle from his shoulder and fired 3 shots into the key hole then proceeded to fire 4 shots into the hinges of the door. The door fell into his direction making a loud metallic *DING*. Seconds later he heard thumping of those monsters from below him and above him. He had woken the whole community. He panicked. The stair light making shadows of the hand rails playing tricks with his mind. He wasted 4 shots on a railing head. The thumping came closer and closer. He pulled a flashlight from his pack shining it at the flights of stairs. He looked up...nothing, he looked down...nothing. He walked forward to peer down the space between the stairs when he was grabbed from behind; he felt pressure and a little pain on his shoulder. He elbowed his assailant then turned and fired 3 shots into his head. It was one of those monsters. He was damn lucky he was wearing a Kevlar vest. He swore then backed into the room he came only to notice that zombies were coming from another entrance to the room...with zombies coming from everywhere he had only one thing to do..... Please I would love more feedback. It is all shaping my story to make it the best it can be. Thank you for reading. .:8 Hours Later:. Williams walked across the dimly lit room to the fridge so he could get something to drink. Almost bonking his head on a ceiling light he asked, "You want anything Jare?" "No, Nothing" He reached for a coke, popped the cap and chugged it. He walked slowly back to the couch he was recently sitting on, watching out for the low hanging ceiling lamps. He peered at the entrance....the light over there flickering, playing tricks with his eyes, giving him images of death and doom. Jared S. Carrensata, looking straight ahead unblinking said "I....I...." He put his hands over his face... "I think I'm....infected....." Williamss neck cracked as he looked towards Jared. "Tell me youre kidding!?" "No...I wouldnt kid about this; its only a matter of time...." He, still unblinking, looked at Williams. "I...want you to shoot me, I, I dont want to be one of those....things" "No, No I cant...we have been friends since before I can remember..." "If you were my friend you would save me from this misery..." "I...cant" "It is your duty to do so" "NO!" Williams departed the room in a hurry almost tipping the couch as he rose. Jared just kept staring at the couch, unblinking, not feeling the need...he could feel his body turning as he sat there. His inside melting and squishing together, getting weaker and weaker.... You are welcome  -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| mrchace |
Posted: May 16, 2005 10:57 pm
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
He heard the door lock after him as he left the room. He didnt know his way around the warehouse, so he walked around aimlessly. He could here the moans of the dead somewhere in the building. he checked for his firearms, nothing.
damn it he whispered under his breath How could he be so stupid. He had forgotten his rifle in the room, lucky for him he was smart enough to carry his sidearm with him, with a couple of clips of ammo. He pulled his sidearm out of his holster. He noticed that it was very dark in the spaces between the hanging lights. Ahead there was a black object engulfed by white light, he took several steps closer and noticed that the black object was growing larger as he stood there. He stood there pointing his gun at it as it grew larger he could tell that it was vaguely humanoid in shape. The moans of the dead grew closer to him. He took a peak behind him, as he did something placed their hands on his shoulder pushing on it and landing on him, he felt pinching on his shoulder as something bit down on it. Lucky for him it didnt break the skin because of his Kevlar vest. He put his sidearm to the the things head and fired 4 shots. 1 hit and the rest hit the wall behind it. He pushed the thing off of him onto the ground. He stood up feeling slight pain in his shoulder. He took a step forward and something bit at his boot. He looked down only to see the same zombie he shot seconds before. He lifted his foot high and stomped down on its head with all his might. teeth/blood/brains splattered everywhere as the things skull caved in from the force of his boot. Feedback asked for -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| mrchace |
Posted: May 17, 2005 10:32 pm
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
SECTION 7
He ran back toward the room he came for then remembered.IT IS LOCKED. He leaned against the door and knocked on it several times. 2 minutes passed before he heard a replyand it wasnt what he was hoping for. The moan of his dead friend came from inside the room, tears slide down his face as he punched the door in anger. He slouched then slid down the door onto his butt. Tears dripping from his eyes he cursed at himselfSlapped himself several times then got up. He stared at the door several seconds, took a step back and slammed his foot into it shattering the door into thousands of pieces. His friend mutilated and decayed body stood there staring at him, 10 seconds passed before the creature let out a moan and ran at him with incredible speed. He drew his firearm.the creature was getting closer. He didnt fire a shot until the creatures head slammed into the muzzle of his gun. The shot splatter his brains across the wall. He stared at the wall as the pieces rearranged themselves until they said.WILL THE DEATH OF YOUR FRIEND, YOU WILL BURN IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL FOREVER, NOW FACE YOUR DESTINY AND VENTURE FORTH INTO THE SHADOWS OF OBLIVION. As soon as he was finished reading the wall split open and zombies, fast ones, pulled themselves out of the crack. He stood there for several seconds... then bolted down the hallway, those beasts breathing down his neck -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| ShadowGL |
 Posted: May 20, 2005 08:22 am
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 61 Joined: May 15, 2005 |
um any more?
 -------------------- [url=http://profile.xfire.com/shadowgreenleader]
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| mrchace |
Posted: May 20, 2005 02:32 pm
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
There was a door up ahead....Hoping to god that the door wasnt double reinforced he slammed into it with his shoulder at full force, he heard a loud cracking sound and felt a stab of pain in his left shoulder, but the door slammed open. he ran out into an ally shaped as an upside down T with the door in the middle of the top of the T. He ran straight.....a dumpster blocked the ally from further exploration...for the zombies. he ran and jumped up onto the dumpster. he creaked and moand from his weight. he could feel it caveing in. he jumped into the other side of the ally....he kept running just in case those things could climb too...
-------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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