it seemed a normal night. the bar was full and jay the owner of the "J'S BAR" was counting the money for today's sale. the sevitrice Mia came in to jay's office. she looked tierd. jay noticed that she had scratsh marks on her arm.

Mia: "jay. i think im sick. i dont feel so good"

jay: "no you dont look to good.you can go home"

Mia: "thanks jay"

jay walked down to the bar. there was many people in the bar. andre'a who was standing in the bar looked busy. jay walked into the bar. the news was on.

"and then to the news. early this morning to corpses was found outsite springfield.the body's was massecared. some limps was missing from the body. there was't any information on the body's. and now the sport. today's baseball fans on springfield stadion was shocked. the famous catcher, Bart Gost was killed. a fan who had gone crasy. came walking into the field and bite Bart. it was a instant kill"

the tv turned off. a man came into the bar. he looked scared. he sat down in one of the bar chairs.

man: "a vodka please."
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i will write more

I like the idea of the story. Nice work.

Suggestions
-Add more atomsphere to the story
-Describe your character and the world hes in.

Describe jay:

short.

190 pounds.

brown eye's.

short black hair

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That was the describesion of jay

people was talking. lafhing. jay was in the bar. the man who just came in have orderd a vodka. Mia. the sevitrice was sick so she had left the bar. jay and the bartender was busy. the man who have came into the bar looked like he was not feeling so good. just like Mia. jay asked why he had a bite mark on his left hand.

the man: some people who was drunk attacked me. one of the bite me.

jay: did he bite you?

the man: it was a woman.

jay and the man keept talking. his name was shaun. he was from london. jay already knew that he was from great britan, he could he it on his accent. the time was 23.22 but the bar was full. Pete. a sevitrice came in to the bar. he had a shift 23.30 whit Mia.

Pete:hey Jay!

Jay: hey get to work! good you came early. Mia is sick.

Pete: yeah she called, and told me that.

jay turned on the tv. it was the "EXTRA NEWS". it was something about some people going crasy in texas. huge group's of people was killing everybody. the army had been called to the city. suddenly the a message came "NO SIGNAL PLEASE WHAIT". a man yelled to Jay that he should change channel. but it was the same on every channel. except on MTV. but it was't the american version. it was transmittet from sweden.

finaly the last guest was gone. and Jay and the bartender's was cleaning up. Jay went upstairs to his arpartment. he walked into the bedroom and jump over to the bed and fell asleep.

the next morning Jay waked up becuase his cat "Hugo" was sitting on his chest.

"get away!"

the cat jumped down from the bed and walked into the kitchen. Jay took a bath and what else he should do in the bathroom. after that he went out to the kitchen. while eating his breakfast, he turned on the tv. the signal was back. and the morning news was on.

"and more and more city's is under qorantine. many people say's that they had been attacked by some kind of some drunk people. they can't respond on any commands. and they are highly dangerous. -click-

Jay turned the tv off. he went down to the local store to buy some thing's he needed. there was't so many people in the store. Jay went down to the cola machine. he buyd a cola light and a newspaper.

ring ring ring.

it was his moblie.

Jay: hello?

unkown: hey Jay it's Mia. im just calling to say that im fine and i will come on work to night.

Jay: fine!

Mia: he. but i have to go see you.

Jay put the phone down in his pocket.when he came back in to his apartment, Pete was there.

Jay: hey pete. what are you doing here?

Pete: hey. i just heard something about the crasy people's who is killing other people.

Jay: yeah i heard it.

Jay and Pete sat down to watch tv. the news was on. it was the same but there was a sign in the corner of the screen it sayd "YOU HAVE TO DEFEND YOU SELV"

man in tv: and you have promission to defend you selv against the attacker's. try to stay in small groups and stuck up whit supplies. the army will come and rescue the suvivors.

the door to Jay's apartment opend. and i woman came in.

unkown person: hallo is anybody here?

Jay: hwo is it?

Jay took a lamp and walked in to the entrance. it was mia. her sratch marks was gone. and she had a crowbar in her hand.

Mia: Jay i think we should barricade the bar and the backdoor

[SIZE=7]comments please i need them

[SIZE=7come on i need coments]

finaly i write a good story

First to make letters bold do this

[ B ] message [/ B ]

Without spaces. It should look like

Message

Second: Its good, but some parts didn't make any sense and you need to describe the atmosphere more.

They started blocking the bar's windows and the entrance's. Jay started looking for something that he could defend himselv and his comrades whit. he knew he had his pumpgun behind the desk and 20 shells, but he needed more weapons. it was early in the morning. Jay looked out from a window in his apartment. many cars was holding in a big coue. some other peoples tried to come into the cars. people was screaming and the police was shooting at the people that tried to come into the cars. the door to the bar opend and a man came in.

Mia: ahhh sir? we are trying block the door please get insite so we can block the door.

the man did't answar. he just looked at Mia and Pete. then he rised his head so they could see his face.

Pete: OHH MY GOD!!! LOOK AT HIS FACE HIS NOSE AND EYES ARE MISSING

Mia:sir? are you okay

Pete knew that he was one of those people that killed other people. he had to do something. then the man attacked Mia

"HELLPPP ME PETE!!!!"

the man tried to bite Mia. Pete took a big beer glas and smashed it into the man's head. he let out a moan and felt to the ground.

meanwhile upstairs

Jay have heard the scream. he ran down to the bar.

Jay: what happend?

Mia: a man tried to bite me!

Jay: that guy that stand behind you?

Mia: what!

the man hat got on his feet again and now he tried to bite Mia again. Jay just stood there while Pete tried to get the man of Mia.
'
"AARRRRGGGGGGGGG"

the man bite Mia in her neck. it stood out whit blood. Mia's neck turned grey and she felt to the ground

"MIA!!!"

jay took his knife from his kitchen and slaped it into the man's chest. the man felt back and hit a table. Pete ran ove to Mia. but it was to late. her skin was completly grey.

Pete: ohh god!! i think she dead!!!

Jay just stood and looked at ´the dead body.suddenly her arm started moveing.

Jay: SHE'S ALIVE!!!"

Pete: Jay dont thouch her!"'

Jay: SHE NEED HELP DAMIT"

Pete: please Jay dont thouch her!"

Pete opend the door and dragged the man and Mia out.

Jay: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!

Pete: JAY! IM JUST MAKE SURE THAT SHE DONT WAKE UP AND KILL US!

Jay:SHE'S NOT DEAD!

Pete: SHE HAVE BEEN BITEN IN HER NECK GOD DAMIT!

for a moment Jay or Pete sayd anything. then Jay opend his mouth.

Jay: sorry.

Pete: it's okay i know how you feel

Jay: what now?

Pete: watch tv?

the turned the tv on and sat down in some bar chairs.

news speaker:
"the attackers are highly dangerous. the goverment are sending soldiers to the city's. it regamentet that you stay in you houses and block all entrance. if you have family dont try to pick them up. the attackers can be stopped by removeing the head or destroy the brain.

suddenly some one banged on the door.

"hello is there anybody in there?"

Jay:hello who is it?

"please open. please"

Jay loaded his gun and made eye contact whit Pete. he nicked and opened the door and a woman and to teenage boys ran in.

um, awesome story but, eh, no effence, nol one would have 60 shells..........in a bar, they would have like 16, 20, 30 tops

thanks nikku. and no one has 60 oumpgun shell's in a bar that's right

u bein sarcastic?

what

"hurry up kids! get inside"

after they had got in Jay blocked the door again. Jay sat down besides one of the boy's. for a moment nobody sayd anything, but then Pete raised his head and opend his mouth.

"are you okay?"

the woman looked at pete and then she looked at the shortest boy. he had a big shratch mark on his arm. he looked sad.

Jay:i'll find som bandage.

"it isn't so bad. it just a shratch mark"

Jay came back whit a big white box. he took out some bandage and gave the woman it.the tall boy stared out from a little hole in the barricaded windows. Pete walked over to him. from where he stand he could see cars and people who was sitting in them som of them was dead others horned of they cars that was in front of them.some of the "insane people" had got into the cars and started biting people.

day turned into night and some of the cars in the coue was gone. but others had crashed into buildings and other cars.a mob of "insane people" was just outside "J's BAR". Jay knew that they should stay quiet. Pete had went upstairs to look for some paper and paint. the power was gone so they did't no if they army was in the city.

some people had tried to escape from an apartment, but the "insane people" had charged them down and killed them.

suddenly a noise came from the back door.