N00bs Can Write Stories To.... |
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N00bs Can Write Stories To....| mrchace |
Posted: March 09, 2005 11:42 pm
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 Co-Lead Elite Betatester  Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005  |
The man...walken over the bridge connecting the 2 parts of Heavens Gate. The bridge connects the Central and residential areas of town. the man was heading toward the residential area. As he was walking he stepped on a a news paper...the news papaer read.....
The HeavensGate Post June 17th 2005 Mysterious Illness claims another By Martin Laurence Another of the victims admitted to St. Gabriels hospital has died, and several more have been placed on the critical list. At half one this morning, Mrs Ellen Poenne died of a mysterious illness she contracted 24 hours ago, after being attacked by a transient in the crime wave that is sweeping the city. She was admitted to the hospital with a deep flesh wound, reportedly caused by a bite, and treated appropriately. She was kept overnight for observation, and during this time her condition worsened considerably, until finally she went into cardiac arrest and died. Out of the victims admitted to the hospital, Mrs Poenne is the second to have died of her injuries; another patient who has yet to be identified died within hours of his admittance to the intensive care unit, of a large neck wound. Over 20 of the patients involved in the attacks have been placed on the critical list, suffering from the same anomalous disease as the deceased. Doctors are treating them with a range of antibiotics and antitoxins, unsure of how to procede with this new illness. "We've never seen anything like it before. The injuries these people have sustained are fairly superficial for the most part, but the following onset of infection is amazingly rapid. Within a day Mrs Poenne's condition deteriorated, and all the treatments we gave her proved futile. We're very concerned about the patients on the critical list, and we feel confident that armed with the experience Mrs Poenne has given us in treating this virus, we will cure these people." says Dr Porthwaithe, head of medicine at St. Gabriels. Doctor Porthwaithe has issued a statement asking all patients who were admitted and discharged after being attacked to contact the hospital immediately if they experience any of the following symptoms: Nausea Headaches Blurred vision or discomfort with bright lights Abnormally cold temperature Pallid skin Severe fatigue Police Casualties?? Body Missing! By Ed Brubane The body of the unidentified man who passed away last night at St. Gabriels hospital was being delivered to the police morgue last night, so that an autopsy could be performed to confirm whether this attack was carried out by the cannibal killers. The van carrying the body was found this morning, deserted near the riverbank. The car appears to have stopped calmly at the edge of the road, as there are no signs of damage. Worryingly, the driver, Police Officer Jonas Hiroldo, was not in the vehicle - and neither was the body of John Doe. There were no witnesses to whatever befell the transport, but Office Hiroldo appears to have discharged his sidearm three times at an unidentified attacker. The van is coated with blood, though there are no bodies within or near by - Police sources theorise that the cannibal murderers attacked the vehicle to use the body in an insane cultist ceremony, though official channels assure us that this is simply conjecture. The body bag containing the corpse was found at the scene, torn open - apparently from the inside according to one source, though this claim has been refuted by the forensics department of the force. Testing is being undertaken to confirm who the blood soaking the vehicle belongs to. (I asked permission) Thats all for now....Feedback needed to continue  This post has been edited by mrchace on March 10, 2005 04:26 am -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
    
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| TheBlazeUK |
Posted: March 10, 2005 12:19 am
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 Real zombie Nemesis  Group: BB Betatesters Posts: 398 Joined: December 13, 2004 |
Uh...where did you ask permission? But hey, you can use it no problem.
At first though I was like "woah what a coincidence the guy used martin laurence as the name" followed by "this guy's competely ripped me off!...hey wait this is exactly the same!!!!" and then my brain caught up with me as I read the first sentences and realised this was a story with my newspaper thingy in it. Its a little bare so far, I think you need to write more to get good feedback. Only thing I could say now is to ask: Why is it ironic for him to be heading to the residential area? oh, and if you don't mind a little advice I'd recommend "The bridge connected the the central and residential areas of the city." over "Central and residential areas are the parts that the bridge connects." -------------------- Like zombies? read comics? read The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman, from Image
No Cable TV No grocery stores No government In a world ruled by the dead, we are forced to start living Documents of the dead - newspapers etc from the fall of the earth. The Living and The Dead My zombie horror story. Feel free to leave feedback. |
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| mrchace |
Posted: March 10, 2005 03:58 am
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
well the reason why i didnt ask you yet was....i was posting in ur topic and writing my story at the same time....i finished writing the story first....sorry
Thanks for teh feedback anyways =) -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| mrchace |
Posted: March 10, 2005 04:24 am
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
The wind blew hard as he was reading the paper......as he finished a gust took the paper from his hand and sent it sailing over the bridge. he stopped to think for a moment....How could the man and the body dissapear from the van. and if there was blood on the van wouldnt there be blood on the ground to....after pondering for a few minutes he rested on one thing. news papers didnt supply enough information to prove or disprove anything. so he carried on along the bridge. A ways ferther he saw something on the ground. as he got closer he noticed it was a huminoid shape hunched over something. the thing was makeing crunching sounds as if it were breaking bones. as he got closer he noticed the the "thing" was hunched over a body....a body of a human.
"excuse me sir..." The think peeked over its sholder. to the mans suprise the face was heavily mauled by what looked like teeth marks....human teeth marks. the face also looked rotten...like some sort of skin disease... the man took several steps back as the thing rose onto its feet. "sir dont come any closer" the thing started walking towards him slowly limbing as if he had a cramp from kneeling to long. "sir im warning you" The man drew his 9mm Berreta out and pointed it at the thing. it kept on a coming the man shot the thing several times in the legs. the thing didnt fall nor twitch cept from the impact of the bullets. the man took several shots at the thing ranging from its crotch to his neck. finnaly with the last bullet from the magizine he dropped it with a shot to the head. the man stood still pointing the gun where the thing had been. he was shacking badly. he had never been more scared or dumbstruck in his life. he fell onto his butt in thought and shock. What was that thing, he wonderd Why didnt it stop Who was it...no What was it staring straight forward he noticed the body lying there......it was a cop...no a Security officer of....Heavens Gate Shopping Mall he thought There must be more of these things.. he got up and walked toward the body. he saw his gun. the man was not familliar with the names of guns because he had no care for them. the gun was short, black, and lightweight. he picked it up and started looking at it. he noticed there was blood on it. he also noted that the safty was still on. he found the clip release and noticed that it was full....not one shot fired. upon ferther examination of the body he noticed that the....thing had bit it several times in the chest. huge chuncks of meat were missing indicating that the thing had a while with the body. the man also searched the bodies pockets finding his wallet...... the man pulled an ID out of the wallet. the body was of Matt Winston the picter looked like this  (i hope this shows) aslo in his wallet were his school ID and $5. In the body's holster was a 9mm Berreta. The man Pulled the gun out and took the clip from it and loaded his gun. the man stood and looked back at the central part of town....there was a military looking helicopter flying over a large sky craper. it stopped over what looked like an apartment building. little black dots jumped from the helicopter onto the roof....To be continued (maybe later tonight if i get bored) please Feedback so i dont write for nothing.  -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| Jest3r |
Posted: March 10, 2005 05:09 am
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 Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 93 Joined: February 26, 2005 |
firstly, its clever to blend BlazeUk's actual newspaper in with your own ideas. its unique, and it makes the events seem more connected.
so far, your story took a good turn after the action started. it was also a good writing strategy to leave off at a cliffhanger, making the reader want to know what will happen next. some pointers to improve upon it : your grammar is great, but the punctuation is a tad off. Try to slow down when you write the next section, and don't worry about a time limit. do what i do, write a little bit every now and then, and save it to Microsoft Word, or whatever writing program you have. this way, you don't have to write a whole chapter in one sitting. so far, so good! good pauses in the story (good use of '...' and commas)! keep it up, keep developing it! -------------------- -Jest3r
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| mrchace |
Posted: March 10, 2005 05:25 am
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
thank you (i like ur stories to....very clever ) -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| mrchace |
Posted: March 10, 2005 05:49 am
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
More FeedBack would be great another thanks to Jest3r.
UBER BUMP -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| Lord_Of_The_Pings |
Posted: March 10, 2005 01:14 pm
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 57 Joined: December 12, 2004 |
I like it the whole blend between reading a paper and the charachter standing on the bridge was very unique;)
Now please just continue writing it's a good story so far and I like the military (finally) doing what they should be doing namely taking over high buildings instead of sandbagging crappy roads that can be easily overrun  |
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| mrchace |
Posted: March 10, 2005 03:15 pm
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
Ya i dont know why the stupid military think holding roads is more importent then shooting zombies from an apartment building (or other high building) -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| mrchace |
Posted: March 10, 2005 03:39 pm
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
The man counted as Ten black dots piled out of the helicopter. after the men were out the chopper took of to an adjacent building. Ten more piled out of the helicopter on that roof....what were they planning? Just at that moment he felt something grab at his foot and begin to knaw at his boot. he turned to see the security officer he was just searching!!! it let out a "moan" as it crawled toward him.
He had 2 choices in that second (that he was thinking of) Step on its head...or shoot it, step on its head....or shoot it??? He stomped down on its head with all the force he could muster. his head exploded as it was smushed between the boot and the damp cement. as he looked towards his destination along the bridge. he saw black dots lining the sides and middle of the bridge. he also saw several tipped over cars and a crate of somesort. The man wondered...whats in the crate? he continued on...... +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Some where in an apartment building the marines were checking every level, every room, every closet, EVERY WHERE. they had only found 1 zombie...a fat man. the zombie was sitting on the ground without its arm. it was so heavy its decomposed body could not stand, crawl, walk, or just about any thing you can do to move around. it appeared that the zombie was eating itself for nurishment. A Rookie marine defined orders and put it out of its missery. His captain had said "You ever defie my orders again, marine, and im sending you back to boot camp." to tell you.... the marine never dified orders again, for other reasons beyond my and your knowlage..... To Be continued.... This post has been edited by mrchace on March 11, 2005 01:45 am -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| mrchace |
Posted: March 10, 2005 04:36 pm
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
When im not lazy i will find away to descripe the charicter.....and or get his name.
-------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| Lord_Of_The_Pings |
Posted: March 10, 2005 04:49 pm
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 57 Joined: December 12, 2004 |
Take your time a bit more on your next installment
We are desperate,but you should always check everything to make sure that the quality of your writing stays the same |
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| Nikku |
Posted: March 10, 2005 10:04 pm
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 Mr. Coke Group: Old BB:S Betatesters Posts: 3114 Joined: December 12, 2004 |
if u didnt realize I did that.. or am oing to He probualy got the idea from reading his article and seeing my psot asking blaze -------------------- Only when you gick, will you truly fish...
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| mrchace |
Posted: March 10, 2005 10:19 pm
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
Actually i did not....i was writing and like i wanted to read other stories for ideas... i saw his newpaper article and i was like ....cool that would be nice in my story -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| mrchace |
Posted: March 10, 2005 10:46 pm
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
It was getting dark as the man walked along the bridge. he was thinking of the news paper he had read. he looked at his whatch.....IT WAS JUNE 21st. oh my god.if that was happaning 4 days ago what is happaning now. The objects that he once saw on the horizion were now getting closer. the crate was getting larger and the black dots were starting to form into bodies of different shades of the clothing worn by the bodies. it looked as if it where a massacre (which it probably was, he thought). he was scared. he had started walking pass the bodies. he gave them a wide ark. he refused to stand anywhere close to them.....he though back to the.....thing, that was eating that officer. and the officer to that matter. how they had both tried to attack him. the officer should have been dead. "This is all so confusing" he thought aloud. as if him talking was an alarm, the apearingly larger dots began to rise. he stopped. the dots were becoming larger as they closend. he turned to run the other way. he dicided against it for to reasons. One, it was close to 3 or 4 miles till the other side of the bridge where he had come from. two (and probably the most importent) the bodies that he had walked past had risen......
To Be Continued This post has been edited by mrchace on March 11, 2005 02:38 am -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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