Carl,s problem PART 1, my first story so plz read |
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Carl,s problem PART 1, my first story so plz read| POO_ASS |
 Posted: June 27, 2005 03:26 am
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 Experienced Killer  Group: Members Posts: 82 Joined: June 25, 2005  |
Carl woke up on his bed he looked out the window the air was red and there was a mob of humans so he gathered all his wepons in a backpack and he started to go outside and get in his car he was only 32 and he drove a long way and sooon fell out of gas at a dead end so he got out his power launcher and striked all the zombes but then, 463564359643 zombies came to him and then he was stunned, he woke up 2 hours later and found himself at a medical army base in the middle of the sea they were just still trapped in australia but in the middle of a street where no zombies ever been and it was reallly wide where a pool was inserted wide enough for the base
Carl: w-wh-where am i? Sophie: you are in a medical base Carl:w-who are you??? Sophie:Im sophie Carl:a-am i bitten? Sophie:No Carl:Hooray! Sophie:but when you were stunned, a zombie striked his claws up onto your skull. General:Sophie!What are you doing, youur supposed to give him health?!?! Sophie:S-Sorry General:Is this one bitten?!?! Sophie:no sir! Carl got up, oh my head tim had just arrived Tim:Carl! Come with me Carl:O K Tim: this is beta-3.0 this is your group now cmon Carl Carl:Wait! how do you know my name? Tim:Its on the board.Well,cmon into beta-3.0 Carl entered beta-3.0 Carl:umm...hello John:Hi new recruit Alexander:Hi Zachary:Hi Tom:Hi Alyx:Hello Carl, and, welcome to group beta-3.0 John:your suit and armor is over there! Alexander:And your guns are over there Carl,s guns were shotgun,maveric,waltherPPK,satchels,grenades and bombs. To be continued...  -------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
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| POO_ASS |
Posted: June 27, 2005 03:27 am
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 82 Joined: June 25, 2005 |
send replies
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| -=Chris Redfield=- |
Posted: June 27, 2005 03:29 am
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 Baby Slayer Group: Members Posts: 1299 Joined: October 19, 2004 |
...Wow. You need to add periods, more detail to just aobut every sentence. Fix up the beginning badly; it's kind of plain. If you saw a mob outside, would you really grab all your weapons in the house and run away? Doubtful.
--------------------  (1) I like to beat women. (2) I like to beat babies (3) I like to beat women while beating babies (4). I like to watch women beat their babies...and then I beat the women. |
 
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| POO_ASS |
Posted: June 27, 2005 03:42 am
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 82 Joined: June 25, 2005 |
thanks chris how about you add alot of good info in the zombie with all the characters
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| The.Raver |
Posted: June 27, 2005 07:30 am
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 Zombie Hunter Group: Members Posts: 185 Joined: February 15, 2005 |
Brush up on your english a bit too.
-------------------- "My plan is so simple, an idiot could have devised it. We will amass our ships and drive them directly at the enemy's death rays, thus clogging them with wreckage." Zach Branagan
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| POO_ASS |
Posted: June 27, 2005 07:47 am
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 82 Joined: June 25, 2005 |
alright here comes da second bit of part 1
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| POO_ASS |
 Posted: June 27, 2005 08:13 am
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 82 Joined: June 25, 2005 |
Alright everyone into the chopper were goin on a rescue mission for the last survivors. Everyone but carl got in,
Alyx:Carl, whats wrong? Carl:Im t-too s-sc-sca-scared Tom:Dont worry carl your suit will protect you you just didnt take your helmet quickly! go get it! Carl:OK Carl got his helmet put it on and went to the chopper site and it went without him but when he saw it liftoff he jumped on the ledge and then, in about three and a half minutes they landed they scouted threw the city gathering all the survivors and thet found six then they went back to the chopper but the 2 pilots were a zombie so carl got his shotgun went near the zombies and blew their heads off. Alyx:Fudge! who knows how to fly a chopper? Carl:me Tom:me Alyx:Ok then u guys fly it Carl:Ok Tom:Ok Alyx chucked the last survivors in the chopper, shut the doors, and made 2 survivors play the minigun -------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
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| POO_ASS |
Posted: June 27, 2005 08:19 am
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 82 Joined: June 25, 2005 |
To be continued...
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| Nikku |
Posted: June 27, 2005 05:00 pm
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 Mr. Coke Group: Old BB:S Betatesters Posts: 3114 Joined: December 12, 2004 |
You have alot of great ideas!
but you really need to be more discriptive, you may see something in your head, but you have to remember, we aren't you, so discribe everything you can.... very well -------------------- Only when you gick, will you truly fish...
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| POO_ASS |
Posted: June 29, 2005 12:25 pm
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 82 Joined: June 25, 2005 |
Why thank you nikku u can be starring as Alyx
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| -=Chris Redfield=- |
Posted: June 29, 2005 06:47 pm
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Baby Slayer Group: Members Posts: 1299 Joined: October 19, 2004 |
You need to add commen sense to the characters. I mean, if they're at a military bas, they wouldn't let civilians fly the choppers...  The dialogue doesn't seem to flow. I don't know a single person that says fudge that isn't afraid to say "a bad word".
Common, no one is easily that persuaded. You may want the dialogue to be much longer or just make more sense. The story needs to be worked on quite a bit, but it's still going somewhere.  -------------------- (1) I like to beat women. (2) I like to beat babies (3) I like to beat women while beating babies (4). I like to watch women beat their babies...and then I beat the women. |
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| TheBlazeUK |
Posted: June 30, 2005 11:58 pm
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 Real zombie Nemesis  Group: BB Betatesters Posts: 398 Joined: December 13, 2004 |
Ok, this is gonna rock your world. Go find a book - a fiction book! - and pick it up. Read the first page. Compare with your own work.
Now, at least you're participating and trying, so its not all bad. But then again your name is PooAss, so maybe I'm expecting a little too much. -------------------- Like zombies? read comics? read The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman, from Image
No Cable TV No grocery stores No government In a world ruled by the dead, we are forced to start living Documents of the dead - newspapers etc from the fall of the earth. The Living and The Dead My zombie horror story. Feel free to leave feedback. |
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| THE DOOMED |
Posted: July 01, 2005 12:26 pm
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 Zombie Hunter Group: Members Posts: 187 Joined: May 19, 2005 |
poo ass.. that...
*claping* *roses and flowers thrown on the stage* THAT ROCKED   -------------------- visit my chat room on MY website http://www.freewebs.com/doomed2live/chatroom.htm
and if you like half-life based games ...www.planethalflife.com need cheats? movies and stuff? www.gamespot.com ------------- PERSONAL | ------------- fave song: freestyler fave website: ironoak forums/my website forum buddy: Security Corporate fave game:bb/pe ----------------- DOWNLOADABLES| ----------------- all downloadbles are at my website |
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| POO_ASS |
Posted: July 01, 2005 01:01 pm
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 82 Joined: June 25, 2005 |
As soon as they got to the base the base was beign attacked but they couldnt climb up da rocks so the heli landed where it lifted and they made the last survivors apart of beta 3.0 the 6 survivors names were
Jill Bob Jack Tommy Vince Lance on their next mission it was near the base they had to kill the smart zombies. To be continued... -------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
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| POO_ASS |
Posted: July 17, 2005 03:24 am
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 82 Joined: June 25, 2005 |
As soon as they killed the smart zombies they Activated cloaking running up the rocks they were about to get killed where beta 3.0 was. Beta 3.1 beta 3.2 beta 3.3 beta 3.4 beta 3.5 sprinted to beta 3.0 to kill the zombies as well as they could do.
*BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* Alyx: WE NEED REINFORCEMENTS, TAKE THE SURVIVORS TO THE BARRICADED FORT Carl: AHHHHHHH! John: UGHH IM BITTEN! Alyx: JOHN, NO!!!!!!!!!!!! Tom: KILL JOHN! *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* Zombie:Moan... Alyx:What th... Alyx:AHHHHHH............. ughh im gunna nned a medic ughh To be continued... This post has been edited by POO_ASS on August 06, 2005 01:56 pm -------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
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