Rise over them..., ZOMBIE STORY AGIAN |
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Rise over them..., ZOMBIE STORY AGIAN| mrchace |
Posted: May 01, 2005 06:17 am
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 Co-Lead Elite Betatester  Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005  |
"Williams" Yelled his Team member Karen Chase. SGT Terrence D. Willams turned just in time to see his teamates neck ripped open by one of those hidious monsters. williams unloaded a clip from his rifle into his teamate's and monster's bodies. he had no time to cry, no time to think. he took a quick peek around looking at the remains of his squad. no one....no one alive. the monsters were coming towards him doing there slow shambling walk. he ran throught the crowd of monsters and emerged without a scratch...he dove off the side of the building flying towards that ground going 60 feet per second, the wind blinding him from seeing. the sound of the wind through his ears hindering his thinking. the wind cutting at his skin feeling as though he was being pierced by thousands of tiny needles. he reached for the string of his parachute, hopeing it was the right time, praying to god.....
Thats all for now...please leave feedback..i dont want to be writing to my self... This post has been edited by mrchace on May 15, 2005 05:22 am -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
    
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| bert |
Posted: May 01, 2005 04:48 pm
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 Zombie Hunter Group: Members Posts: 113 Joined: December 03, 2004 |
Use grammar check, spelling check, M4M1?
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| Dragontail |
Posted: May 01, 2005 05:46 pm
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 Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 96 Joined: March 27, 2005 |
What he said. The opening line felt abrupt because right off the bat you're wondering who Williams is, and then the action starts. As the reader I don't care who Karen Chase is, she got her throat eaten in the first sentence. Another tip, for everyone, is that not all of your readers are firearms enthusiasts and we won't know what a M41a or UgI.40 is. You may want to consider simplifying with words like rifle, shotgun, pistol, revolver. --------------------  |
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| mrchace |
Posted: May 01, 2005 06:53 pm
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
sure thing bosses
also me no have spell/grammer cheack -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| Nikku |
Posted: May 01, 2005 07:02 pm
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 Mr. Coke Group: Old BB:S Betatesters Posts: 3114 Joined: December 12, 2004 |
Well, please do check it. Also it is "I have no grammar and/or spell check", and you probualy do...
This post has been edited by Nikku on May 01, 2005 11:38 pm -------------------- Only when you gick, will you truly fish...
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| TheBlazeUK |
Posted: May 01, 2005 09:48 pm
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 Real zombie Nemesis  Group: BB Betatesters Posts: 398 Joined: December 13, 2004 |
Cant...take...the...irony...!
-------------------- Like zombies? read comics? read The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman, from Image
No Cable TV No grocery stores No government In a world ruled by the dead, we are forced to start living Documents of the dead - newspapers etc from the fall of the earth. The Living and The Dead My zombie horror story. Feel free to leave feedback. |
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| Nikku |
Posted: May 01, 2005 11:37 pm
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Mr. Coke Group: Old BB:S Betatesters Posts: 3114 Joined: December 12, 2004 |
what? Are you are saying that I have bad grammar, STFU. I admit I Had bad grammar and spelling but that is a new low, so STFU........ and also I have changed.
-------------------- Only when you gick, will you truly fish...
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| TheBlazeUK |
Posted: May 02, 2005 10:52 am
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Real zombie Nemesis Group: BB Betatesters Posts: 398 Joined: December 13, 2004 |
Again, the irony kills me.
-------------------- Like zombies? read comics? read The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman, from Image
No Cable TV No grocery stores No government In a world ruled by the dead, we are forced to start living Documents of the dead - newspapers etc from the fall of the earth. The Living and The Dead My zombie horror story. Feel free to leave feedback. |
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| Elite viking |
Posted: May 02, 2005 04:58 pm
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 Veteran Lord Carnage Group: Old BB:S Betatesters Posts: 2471 Joined: December 16, 2004 |
@ Dragontail:
Hehe, I noticed that some time ago. Stories about regular people fighting off zombies, and -poof! -they're experts at telling one gun from another. "I picked up the Sig P226 .40 ACP pistol with 9 rounds from the floor. I looked up, and suddenly a SPAS-12 Semi-auto Shotgun was pressed against my forehead."  |
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| Dragontail |
Posted: May 03, 2005 03:40 am
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 96 Joined: March 27, 2005 |
Heh heh, yeah. Actually I know enough technical junk about firearms to understand but I don't want to read a bunch of numbers. I prefer a sentence like
"I froze when he stuck the hugest friggin gun I had ever seen in my face. It looked like something from one of those ridiculous video games, but I had no doubt that it would punch a hole though my noggin." as opposed to "he pionted the M2k-BS at my haed." But, now I'm afraid I may be getting too negative and I don't want mrchase to think I don't like his tale. I want to know if the Sgt lands safely. Of course I would find it hilarious if his chute didn't open and he splattered on the ground. Perhaps a broken leg or ankle to slow him down and make it more difficult to get away from the zombies. -------------------- |
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| mrchace |
Posted: May 03, 2005 10:07 pm
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Co-Lead Elite Betatester Group: Moderators Posts: 1554 Joined: March 07, 2005 |
OK OK I GET THE HINT I NEED TO BUY WORD....AND I HAVE BAD GRAMMER AND SPELLING (BTW KEEP ON SUBJECT)
 I will save some money -------------------- There are a few reasons I don't visit the forums as often as I used to, they are as follows: 1) I really don't have a lot of time. 2) My hardrive is failing 3) The forums honestly frustrate me to a point I cannot stand it, I've tried to help, I've tried to set people straight, but apparently, the health of these forums only matters to a few people. Thats just sad, most of us have grown along with these forums and along BB and frankly its disgusting to see the way you guys act sometimes... until you pull your acts together, don't expect to see me around much. WHERE IS MY DELETE POST FUNCTION!? |
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| Elite viking |
Posted: May 03, 2005 10:40 pm
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Veteran Lord Carnage Group: Old BB:S Betatesters Posts: 2471 Joined: December 16, 2004 |
Whatever happened to you sending the scripts to me so I could edit? Saves you some money
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| Dragontail |
Posted: May 04, 2005 01:54 am
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 96 Joined: March 27, 2005 |
That's what I was going to suggest. Blaze is pretty good too. If you want to pm me I can do some proofreading as well.
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| Jest3r |
Posted: May 04, 2005 04:43 am
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 Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 93 Joined: February 26, 2005 |
THIS IS MRCHACE's STORY!!!
stop having side coversations with each other in this forum. Open a seperate topic to discuss those types of things. Now, as for some criticism, as desired by mrchace: It's a decent start, but it should be longer. Posting a story is difficult (believe me I know), but you gotta leave us with some more material to chew on! More objective analysis to come when I can see some more of the story. Keep writing! -------------------- -Jest3r
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| Lord_Of_The_Pings |
Posted: May 04, 2005 12:52 pm
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 57 Joined: December 12, 2004 |
I second that  |
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