Thanks for the feedback guys.

I am thinking of a new name for the thread, since I am a moderator. I can change the thread name.

Any ideas?

Chapter 4- Wrecked
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Allen hit the gas pedal hardered and drove through the alley, papers and boxes flew through the air. All Allen worried about was getting the hell outta there. He looked at his hours per mile meter and saw it was near its limit. The linit was 120, he was doing 100 miles per hour. Suddenly he looked, and saw to his horror an wooden fence.

"Hope this works..." Allen thought to himself. He pushed on the gas pedel and rammed through the wooden fence. Allen noticed as if time slowed down, he saw spinters of wood burst through the air. As he looked forward, he saw an street light. Still on, even though the sun was begenning to come up.

"SON OF A BITCH!!....." Allen shouted as his car sped into the street light. His face instantly hit the driver wheel. He managed to glance around before he began to fall asleep. He could see some blood on the steering wheel from his nose bleeding, he could see the window shattered as his life was. He silently accepted the pain and slumped back into his seat. It seemed his life was fading before his eyes. With one last breath he said

"May Godspeed..." He choked some blood up. "Be with...Me" He silently closed his eyes and went to sleep.....

{This is not the end for Allen!}

Comments,Feedback and Crtisim Please.

oooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh, nice, u shoulda left it a cliffhanger if he dies or not tho

Chapter 5- Alive or Dead?
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Allen's eyes fluttered open and he glanced around. He looked at his new police uniform. That was now covered in his blood, he looked at his watch and saw that it was cracked, but he could still read what time it was.

"12:54...how long have I been out?" He grasped his gold chain around his neck and saw it was still in good condition. He put his hand on the door handle amd tried to open the door it wouldn't budge.

"I hope this dosen't hurt.." He said. With a swift kick from his boot, he kicked the door open and saw he had kicked it off the car!

"Damn...HQ is going to chew me out for this..." He said to himself. He saw the bloody-red sky and shivered. That same chill ran down his spine, he could see that he was in downtown Heaven's Gate . Allen saw paper flying about. He saw a newspaper and picked it up. It read

Urgent!

Jan. 30 ,2004

Strange monsters have been appearing through our once peaceful city. There have been local sighting of these strange cannabls, we urge you to stay indoors. Eventully this will all blow over.

Notes from the Army

-Don't not go outside
-Barriacade your house
-Get somthing to protect yourself with.

That is all that is being said at the moment. Watch Heaven Gate News for more! Channel 3.

He realized that today was Jan. 31! He quickly tossed the newspaper down and began to walk through the streets. Not a soul was around, he wondered if those strange monsters, where Johnny got killed was the same cannabls?.....

Comments,Feedback,Critsim!

Anyone have an feedback or Constructive Crtisim??

go on and post comments on meh Storys!

http://www.ironoak.ch/fourms/index.php?showtop=2750& view=getnewpost

EDIt: Damn....Anyways Chapter... 6 with be out later.

Chapter 6- Lonesome City...
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Allen contiuned to walk through the small city. He turned around to anything that made a sound, his head contiuned to ache with pain. He put one hand on his head and layed against a brick wall. He noticed it was an SuperCenter Walmart

He looked at the doors, there were bloody hand prints on the door. "

Did he dare take the risk to enter?" Allen thought to himself. After a while, he made his decions up. He had to enter, walmart. He walked up to the doors and grabbed the door handle, he opened it and stepped inside. Carts were laying everywhere, he walk to the aisles and so noone in sight.

"Where is everyone!" Allen shouted. His echo seemed to come back to him, he needed medicine for his head. He walked through the asiles, into the medicine section. He noticed an lock on the cabient.

"Dammit..." Allen murmered. He then stepped back and raised his pistol, only to notice he wasn't armed!

"Wh-er-e Is my Pistol?!" Allen checked his holsiter and glanced around, and saw he lost his only firearm to survive. He then saw an metel bat laying near him, he picked it up and got ready to hit the cabient. With one swift blow, he swung the bat and shattered the glass on the cabinet. Pieces of glass went everywhere, one flew directy towards Allen and sliced half of his face.

"OW!" Allen said aloud. He put his finger on the cut and looked at it, it was blood. He quickly rubbed it off on his uniform. Finally he found the medicines he needed and took them, he proceeded to leave Walmart. When a faint moaning sound came from the toy section.

"Uh...Anyone there?" Allen didn't get a reply back. He took the bat in his hand and slowly crept near the Toy Section. As he looked around the corner, he saw an child that looked about Six years old. That was staring at the toy in his hands. Allen could see his face covered in blood, he had a large opening on his back where appeared to be an wound.

"Are you ok?...Here take.." Allen was soon interupted at the small child hissed at him and lunged at him. Allen quickly swung his bat and hit the child across the face. His nose fell off, Allen gasped. Allen then knew that this kid was out to get him. He swung the bat again at him and hit him hard against his forehead. The kid fell backwards onto the glistening floor. Allen went to his corpse, and looked down at him. Suddenly blood squirted out of his mouth, luickily Allen dodged it. The blood oozed down his chin onto his ragged clothes.

"Poor Boy..." Allen said with tears in his eyes. He walked away, to the entrance of walmart and opened the door he had once came in. He looked down at his medicine and left the building....

Comments and Constructive Critism!

Instead of "Suddenly blood spurted out of his mouth, allen dodged it" try to be more dynamic -
e.g "Suddenly blood spurted in a crimson spray out of the boy's gaping mouth - Allen threw himself backwards, desperate to keep the bloody mess off him"
Same with the glass smashing - dont want to use a passive voice really when describing such dynamic events which involve your protagonist.

A little more of his emotions at times. e.g. "Allen turned his head in disgust as he saw how mangled the kid's body had been. He felt nauseous as he looked at the ragged bite wounds all over the corpse. A brief twinge of guilt and sorrow tugged at his heart as he saw the jagged hole he'd added to the collection of wounds - what kind of world had this become, where he had to hit a six year old with a baseball bat to save his own life?"

And nothing like "...raised his pistol only to realise he wasnt armed". So...which pistol did he raise? "Allen's fingers reached down to his holster and met empty air. A wave of panic swept over him as he realised he wasnt armed. 'Oh god...wh-wheres my pistol?" he stammered nervously."

Dont use "Wh-er-e." Doesnt really sound like a stammer, more of a reaaaaally slow way of talking eg. Wh.Er.E. The usual convention for stammering or stuttering (Im unclear on the difference) is to repeat the letters being stammered until the word finally comes out clearly.

"he had once came in" should be more like "he had entered through" or "through which he'd first walked into the store"

Simple grammar mistakes like "He lost his only firearm to survive" - should be "He'd lost his only firearm, something he'd need to survive".
You need to be clearer on tense - stories are usually from past tense (its easier to write), and you mostly use that but occasionly you slip to "he walk to the aisles".
and its "a" metal bat, not "an". Use "an" when the word begins with a vowel is a good rule of thumb - e.g. an evacuation, an epidemic, an aeroplane, etc

*Sits, with steam blowing out his ears*

... No Comment.

is allen stupid? GET A SHOTGUN!!!!!!! in myt wallmart the sell shotguns!!!!! WAHT AN IDOT!!!!!!!! BLARGH!!!!!! GOOD STORY THOUGH, Same thing that Blaze siad!

Im sure I saw "Constructive criticism" somewhere in here... and I think you were even asking for it.

You never hand an english essay to a teacher and get it back with comments? Just the same thing man (though I am not and shall never be a teacher! )

The writing style thing about dynamic etc was something I lifted off the Black Library website (warhammer 40K fiction) - straight from one of the authors. If you're writing an action story, its best to have the action narrated actively and drammatically.

Chapter 7- Slipping Through
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Allen rested on a small wooden bench, there were a pair of glasses and a book open. Allen picked the book up and flipped through the pages, his eyes stopped as he looked down on 13 words. It read

"When Theres No more Room in Hell, The Dead Will Walk the Earth"

Allen scanned over the set of words and questioned himself if this could be true or the Authur who made the book was out of his mind. He grinned, he looked over to his side and saw the medicine he took for his head. The cap appeared to not screwed on tight enough. Allen leaned over to squeeze it tight, when a hard wind blew over the bottle and knocked it over the bench. The glass bottle broke and pills scattered everywhere. Allen proceeded to pick each one up, when he heard dozens of moans and hisses behind him. He quickly turned around to see some people in the road behind him. They stared at him, and Allen stared at them.

One of them appeared to have an hat on with a large rip in his T-Shirt. Before he could get a closer look at the others, they walked towards him in a limp sort of way. Before Allen could say a word, they were inches away from him. He started to back up, then jog away. He could still see the figures behind him. He stuck his hand in the hostier for his pistol, but only found air. Her remembered he had lost it, along with the metel bat.

As he jogged over the hill, he was horrified below. A tanker truck had crashed into some local shops, flames were igniting everywhere. Allen glanced over his shoulder and saw the zombies still coming. He inhaled deeply and started down the hill. The closer he got to the flaming truck, the more he could feel the heatness from the flames. Suddenly before his eyes, he saw an figure rise from the flames and scream. Allen was terrified as he heard the scream, it was like an squealing pig gone mad. The person swung its arms everywhere, it stumbled towards Allen. Allen quickly saw a tiny space were he could slip between the burning tanker where he could get to the other side of the road.

It was now or never, Allen quickly took a dive through the space and made it. He quickly got up and brushed the ashes off his uniform. Though, there was a stain from where the ashes had been. He then saw a shop with "GUNSHOP" on the top of it. He walked to the shop and stopped. As he heard a gunshot come from the rooftop. He looked to his arm and saw a hole in his sleeve. He stared at it and stood wide-eyed. He looked above him and saw a man with his mouth wide open.

"Could you please let me in!!! I'm dying out here!" Allen shouted to him. Pain began to set in, Allen took his other arm and held the one that had an bullit in it.

"Are you infected?" The man shouted to Allen. Allen shook his head, and the man disappeared for some minutes...He came to the door with an hunting rifle in his hands, it had an scope on it. The man quickly got his keys out and opened the door. With an wave of his hand he motioned for Allen to come in. As Allen stepped inside, he could see bottles of water and crates laying across the floor. He notcied the windows with Black Curtians prevented any light to come in.

"My name is Kendo, follow me" Kendo said to Allen. He nodded and followed him to a room with guns stacked accross the walls. Allen gasped, he had enver seen, so many guns. It ranged from Hand Pistols to Ak-47's.

"Pick some guns out and meet upsstairs" Kendo said to Allen. Allen noticed that Kendo was a middle-aged man with an gruff voice. Obviosuly he had been in some war. Allen procceded to getting a pistol and Belleni Shotgun.......

Comments? Feedback? Constructive Crtisim.

cool

Very nice