smart. can't wait

Chapter 2- Estate Sighted
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"5 minutes cap" John called from behind his chair. They couldn't see anymore of the city. All they could see were the evergreens below as they skimmed over them.

Scott could see the Estate coming into sight. There was black smoke still coming from the chimney. Even though it was summer time.

"They must of used it as a sygnol" He murmered to himself. One of his best friends Cody Nixon worked their as a servent. He had once attended a party their, celebrating the Mayor's birthday. There had been a huge cake with chocalate frosting an a whipped cherry on top. His thoughts were soon ended as he felt bing shooken. He awoke from his thoughts and looked up. Joey stood over him grinning.

Scott nodded and stood up, Kylie went to the side door and stepped out. They were at the outskirts of the Estate. They would have to walk the extra 5 miles.

John kicked the weapon boxes out of the door and smiled.

"Radio, me when you complete the objective" He said.

"Right, we better get started...but can you circle around the Estate incase we run into trouble?" Scott asked him.

"No problem, I shall do that" John asid and smiled. His white teeth exposed even though the sun was setting. Scott nodded and led everyone away from the helicopter. John took one last glimpse of them and took off...

The team started to walk along the road taking short breaks. Joey took some Bretta 9mm's out of the boxes and handed them to each of his team mates. They already had fresh clips. Each had atleast 4 clips of ammo.

Kylie looked into her hip pocket to make sure she had her medical supplies. Incase one of them got shot by the robbers.

Author: Stupid idiots...wait until the they find out lol.

Comments? Contructive Critsim pleasee

Instead of
Author: yadda yadda whatever

Why not try working it into the narration?
e.g. "They would find out...they would see the horror ahead..." /"the nightmare was about to begin" "litttle did they know..."

You seem to have a little confusion over your punctuation;

e.g. "Radio, me when you complete the objective". No need for a comma.

You're a little heavy on punctuation, try stringing sentences together instead of closing them off from one another. E.g. "They couldnt see anymore of the city - all they could see were..."

or "Kylie looked into her hip pockets to make sure she had medical supplies, incase someone got shot by the robbers". Use commas and conjunctives (and/or/but/also/then/until/and semi-colons and hyphens (";" and "-")) to join sentences together, makes your story easier to read and it doesnt have that stop/start feeling.

And to make dialogue a little more realistic, avoid sentences like "I shall do that" - people, even soldiers, usually say stuff like "I'll do that". Just "No problem" would've been better.

But so far you've been describing events and people pretty well, with a little more work this looks like it could be good (though a little early to tell yet).

This post has been edited by TheBlazeUK on February 06, 2005 01:47 pm

Chapter 2- The Run!
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Joey kicked some stones that formed small dust circles as they walked towards the mansion. They were only 2 miles away and enjoyed the walk.

"Nice night for an stroll eh?" Joey said with a huge grin. Everyone knew he was joking, but couldn't help to smile. Scott felt the cool breeze blow over him.

Suddenly they heard loud moans. Scott slipped his hand into the hoistler and swung the gun out in a cowboy style. Everyone stopped in their tracks and listened. Ashley shivered as she heard a loud groan from the trees.

"Move!" Scott shouted as creatures came through the brushes. Scott took the lead while Ashley and Kiley in the middle and Joey bringing up the rear. They could hear footsteps coming up behind them at a stready pace.

Joey shot a stray gunshot over his shoulder and heard one of the beast whine then a Thump! Of the body falling down into the dirt to his pleasure.

"Only..two..feet..to mansion!" Scott said in loud gasp of breaths. He could see the gates of the Angel Estate closed. That might get them killed, Scott dashed to the gate and swung them open with all his might. Joey covered the rear while Kylie and Ashley ran towards it. Joey shot another gunshot at the crowd and did a dive towards the gate.

He slid in and wiped the sweat that trickled down his forehead off.

"We'ar safe" Scott mumbled. The gang nodded as Scott stepped up the stairs leading to the front gate.

"Listen up, Joey and Ashley scope out the garden and sides of the mansion. Meet in the mansion when you guys are done, me and Kylie will check some of the mansion out" Scott commanded his team. Joey motioned Ashley to follow her and they walked towards and the corner and disappeared.

Scott swung the front doors opened and led Kylie inside.

Little did they know...the real nightmare was just begenning...

Feedback and Contructive Critsim!

that went by a bit quick, lol...still cool, tho

dude no effence but this is really like the first resident evil book, no effence, BUt it is still great...

As I said...Some ideas and parts are from RE.

Please read.

Also I didn't use Cerberus dogs! I used a crowd of zombies...

Chapter 3- The Strange Song
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Scott swung the front doors open as light streamed through the doors. Kylie walked in first with Scott behind her. Kylie looked around and saw a small desk with papers in a mess on it. While there were one set of stairs that led to the west side of the mansion and east side.

Scott stared that the painting that hung above the stairs. It was a painting of Angels flying over the small demons below slaughtering them to their deaths and sending them back to Hell.

"Its Beautiful" Kylie said as she looked at the small fancy rug. It looked like an Queen's rug. Suddenly behind them they saw the double doors swing open as Joey and Ashley rushed inside gasping for air.

"They...They....Everywhere!" Joey said in large gasps of breath. Kylie noticed the hairs on Joey's arm sticking straight up. Ashley close the doors and breathed a sign of relif.

Suddenly Scott and the team heard what made them shiver to the bones. There was music coming from one of the rooms....Someone was here, but who was playing the piano.

"Joey, go check it out" Scott said to Joey. Joey nodded and started to walk up the stairs. He took his Bretta and gripped it tightly. He edged near the door and heard the music.

Moonlight Sonta

His thoughts started to think back to his past...the last time he heard that song. His thoughts raced around him as he thought back to when he was a kid, practicing playing that song. He then remembered his objective and grasped the door knob.

*Click, Click* The knob clicked as it turned open. Joey kicked the door open and scanned the room. The only thing there was a cot, a desk, a closet and a baby grang piano. His eye turned to the small book laying on the desk. Then towards the piano.

"Whoever played this piano isn't here now..." Joey murmered. He walked near the desk and picked the book up, it appeared to be an diary. He sat on the cot and skipped some pages. Scanning them carefully...

July 7, 2005

Several days ago, a man was sighted near the Estate. His clothes torn and ragged with blood smeared all over him. Was taken and led to the Estate. He struggled with the doctors and even "bit" one of them. They had to strap him to the table and do scans over him...

July 8, 2005

More people sighted near the Estate. Oh yes, I have forgotten to mention myself. I am Cody Nixon, one of the head security guards here at the Angel Estate. I like my job very much...Will write soon.

July 10, 2005

They're all gone, my friends, all dead. They...They...are the casue of this. This fuckin NIGHTMARE! I am driving myself to insanity, but I forgot to mention the man recovered.

He had excaped earlier this morning, the doctor who was bit. Has been acting strangely. I have caught him sneaking raw meat from the freezer. I have beefed up security since there is the overgrowing population of peope sorroudned the Estate. I sent a detachment to settle deals with them.

I watched in horror from my window as they were eatan alive, by the people. Just five steps towards the crowd and they had been killed.

July 11, 2005

Dear, Christina

I hope this letter reaches you. So much has happened in the couple of days...people eaten, infections...Its all a mystery. Sadly I will noy be able to join you for our anniversry. I can hear them now...scratching against my door wanted me. Please understand, if this letter ever reaches you.

Please remember, I love you.

Love, Cody Nixon

Tears formed in Joey's eyes. As he read the last entry in the diary. He quielty slipped the diary in his vest and jogged out of the room. He met his team down below.

Should he tell about the diary?

Feedback and Cristism!

likin this keep it goin!

This post has been edited by Keyes on February 09, 2005 11:18 pm

Chapter 4- Investigation
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"What took ya so long?" Scott called to Joey as he walked down the stairs.

"Uh, was investigating room to see for some...err clues...Yes clues" Barry said as sweat formed on his forehead. Scott raised his eyebrow then dropped it, thinking if he should start asking questions.

"Well, since you're here, we've decided to..."

*Thump!* Everyone turned towards the nearest door and shivered. What was that thump sound?

"Joey go check it out, if you run into trouble fire an gunshot" Scott commanded Joey. Joey grinned and walked near the door. He turned the door knob and heard the click sound. He walked through the door and shut it behind him.

He scanned the room revealing nothing suspicious. Only another room with an cot, a closet and a desk. With some papers in a mess on it. Joey breathed a sign of relif and strolled near the desk. It appeared to be an paper with some words scribbled down...He picked it up and read...

July 10, 2005

So damn itchy! First I was bitten by that mad man...then was late for the meeting. FUCK IT ALL! So damn tired of this fuckin job. Everything has gone to hell! I heard something happened about an distachment...

July 11, 2005

I can't even sleep at night! I start to shiver uncontroob'y thennn.'

my vissonn seems blurrredd. Can'ttt even writeee goooooooddddd.';kfg

Jul 2211 20505

Hungery itchy veryyyy itchy;et skin fell off.psf;klsfk

eatwjrf dogygy foodddddd

Helpoppo

Joey couldn't read past July 11 since the writing had become slopper. He set the paper down...Suddenly a loud thump came from behind him. Joey flashed his Bretta and turned around. Something was in the closet... as he walked towards it. He kicked the door open and almost screamed. A man...with white eyes stared at him. His eyes rolled back into his head.

Joey froze in his tracks and stared back, the man had no skins on his lips and his hair was coming off by the minute. Suddenly the man let out a large groan and lunged at Joey. He bit into Joey's neck. Joey screamed with pain as blood gushed down his neck.

Joey quickly knocked the man in the head with his Bretta as he graped his shoulder. The man grabbed his ankle and scratched widly at it. Joey stomped on his head with his boot then raised his Bretta. He shot the creature in the head and was rewarded with a Spray of blood that gushed out of his head.

Joey realeased his foot from the creatures pale fingers. He stepped abck and saw a puddle of red settleing around the corpse. Joey winced as he felt the pain in his shoulder. He quickly turned the door knob and walked out of the room. His vision started to get blurry as he looked towards the hallway to his left. He saw the moon shining down in one spot.

He walked into the hallway and into the moonlight. He rested himself against the wall and closed his eyes. He fell into a deep slumber. Never to be awakened again..

Would the team find his corpse? Would they excape this hellhole?

Feedback and Contructive Critsim!

good but seems like I am reading the Umbrella Conspicary all over again...

Tell em why it seems like you are reading that book over and what I can do to inprove the story.

I'm doing the best I can.

Also for for the bad language

Because you've lifted stuff almost completely from the book and the game? I.e - "Hungry Itchy blah brains!" and the guy called "Barry" being all shifty and nervous? And Bravo and Alpha team?

This is still good, just saying that the similarities don't really need pointing out...
It's like reading a slightly different RE some times.

I will see what I can do...

Comments contructive Critsim?