48 Stunden Der Reinen Hölle - 48 Hours Of Pure Hel, This is my story |
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48 Stunden Der Reinen Hölle - 48 Hours Of Pure Hel, This is my story| zombieslaya |
Posted: February 04, 2005 08:42 pm
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 Zombie Hunter  Group: Members Posts: 178 Joined: January 20, 2005  |
Ted looked out the mall window, mindless dead looking in at him with a hunger in there pale eyes, he shudderd and turned away from the grotesque view and started walking deeper into the mall away from the entrance, for some reason, he felt safer there.
Away from those things, he walked up to a marine that was leaning against a wall, "What do you think are chances of getting out of here alive are?", the marine, clad in urban camo and armed with a M249 SAW Machine Gun looked up, "You know, i dont really know, i wouldnt say very much of a chance though, the only radio that worked was dropped and it's internal parts got fucked up by the fall, wish someone had had the decency to say that wasnt one of the shockproof radios, we tried for an hour to contact the outside but no one answerd, finally we opend the thing up and we saw that the tubes and stuff were shatterd and broke by the fall" the marine sighed as he finished this and looked up into Ted's eyes, Ted sighed as well, "Well, why dont you try to find spare parts in one of these stores, they wont mind as the last thing they probably want right now is money" the marine looked up at him, "You know, we need more guys who think like you in the marines" the marine stood up and took his gun and ran towards a senior marine officer who was trying to fix the radio with no luck, "Sir, why dont we try looking around one of these electronic stores in here for replacement parts" the officer looked at him with "Why didnt we think of that before" look on his face, "Men! start going through these stores and bring any radios you find in them to me!" with that the marines got up and started going through the stores and grabbing whatever radios they could find and they brought them to him, Ted handed over his own radio but the officer refused it, "No son, you need to keep that yourself so you can stay in contact with your security buddys" he then walked off towards the food court to try and find something to eat. He walked towards a girl who looked to be in her late teens, she was sitting behind a counter crying, he walked up to her and sat down next to her, "Whats wrong? you lose someone close to you like i did?" he said in a comforting voice, she looked up at him, "Yes, i lost someone i loved dearly, i dont want to talk about it though" Ted understood her and got up and looked over at some pizza laying out under a heat lamp by the pizza place, he walked over to it and took a piece of pepperoni and thought it tasted a little stale but he didnt really care though, he looked back at the girl still sitting there crying, her brown hair coverd her face as she cried, Ted felt sympathy for her and picked up a paper plate and and put some cheese pizza on it and walked back over to her and laid it next to her, she pretended not to notice but when Ted turned his back to her and as soon as he did she picked up a slice and started eating, "Just hope the malls generators dont give out anytime soon.." he mumbled to himself. He pulled out his glock 18 that a marine had given him for saving his life when they were retreating to the mall, he rememberd how one of those inhuman freaks had been attempting to sneak up on a marine from behind but he had seen it and had thrown a knife at its decomposing head and had killed it for the second time, the marine had been so gratefull to him that he had given Ted a glock as a thank you for saving him, he checked the clip for the umpteenth time that day to make sure it was fully loaded just in case he had to fight those freaks if they broke through into the mall, he holsterd it and then pulled out his radio and said, "All security units report in status" there was a breif moment and then came responses, all of them said that the barricades were holding up very well, this relived Ted somewhat, at least they didnt have to worry about those bitches outside breaking in. He walked down the mall towards a sporting goods store, he looked at various people who had taken refuge in the mall when the outbreak started, at first he didnt belive the reports he had heard on the radio and television, he thought they were just some eleborate hoax constructed ny the media to scare people into listning and watching them just to boost there ratings, how wrong he had been, he found out later that his girlfreind had been turned into one of those... things and he almost killed himself when he heard it, but he was the head of mall security so he had stopped himself from doing it, He had seen enough zombie horror flicks during his off hours as a security guard that he knew what to do if he met one, though before he thought hey didnt exist but after this he knew without a doubt they existed, he walked into the sporting goods store and walked to the guns section, he looked at the rifles and then took out a SKS and held it to his shoulder and looked down the sights testing for weight and durability, he knew they were a good choice but he wanted something that was a little more reliable, he set it down and looked down the rack and spotted a AK47 and picked it up and then shoulderd it and then knew this would be better, he looked for some ammo and found the right caliber and pulled a couple boxes from the shelf and stuck them in a empty pocket then walked out of the store with the rifle across his back....... This post has been edited by zombieslaya on February 04, 2005 11:52 pm -------------------- |
 
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| zombieslaya |
Posted: February 04, 2005 08:43 pm
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Zombie Hunter Group: Members Posts: 178 Joined: January 20, 2005 |
this is gonna get better with the next installment. comments and constructive criticism welcome.
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| zombieslaya |
Posted: February 04, 2005 10:12 pm
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Zombie Hunter Group: Members Posts: 178 Joined: January 20, 2005 |
*sarcastic voice* wow... people really like this story! maybe i should write some more!
seriously now, i want to know what people think of this story, i dont know if i should write more if they dont comment or critique it. -------------------- |
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| zombieslaya |
Posted: February 04, 2005 11:02 pm
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Zombie Hunter Group: Members Posts: 178 Joined: January 20, 2005 |
i dont think ill write any more to it since no one appears to like it enough to comment or critique on it, oh well, was worth a shot trying to write something good.
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| -=Jouni=- |
Posted: February 04, 2005 11:08 pm
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Elite zombie Butcher Group: Members Posts: 1456 Joined: December 07, 2004 |
Ugh.. You could make some more spaces and enters.
Read my story to see how its done ;PPP |
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| zombieslaya |
Posted: February 04, 2005 11:29 pm
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Zombie Hunter Group: Members Posts: 178 Joined: January 20, 2005 |
thanks, fixed it. -------------------- |
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| OneoftheLost |
Posted: February 06, 2005 06:52 pm
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 Zombie Hunter Group: Members Posts: 164 Joined: December 12, 2004 |
huh? what okay..first and foremost add some backround information. For isntance. A Mall SG is the main charector. but he threw a knife and killed a zombie? I know that throwing knives is easy in all the movies. BUT IT IS HARD AS FUCK IN REAL LIFE! jsut pointing it out because you seem to be trying to keep this story realistic (as zombie storys go) and the marines..in a mall? huh. why? and the security forces of the mall have had time to set up barricades, wich states that they had time to prepare. So everyone has had warning other wise the entire mall would be infested. being a major population center an all. what else...oh. and keep it up. Its pretty good. Starts off slow but it's really well written.
--------------------  -Give a man a gun he thinks he's superman. Give a man two and he thinks he's God. -Quote from THE KILLER. |
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| -=Jouni=- |
Posted: February 06, 2005 07:52 pm
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Elite zombie Butcher Group: Members Posts: 1456 Joined: December 07, 2004 |
My story is most un-realistic
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| Reilash |
Posted: February 06, 2005 09:51 pm
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Just another Survivor Group: Members Posts: 16 Joined: December 19, 2004 |
First - Don't expect to get comments within the first three hours of posting. For one thing, you need to give people a chance to read it. Then again, people are not going to be forum zombies and watch for every new thread. Give it at least a day for comments, don't be so paranoid.
Second - The first thing I noticed was that there were some spelling errors, nothing too bothering, but enough to catch my attention. The sentences were WAY too long, and I saw plenty of opportunity for periods, instead of commas. Write it in word first, and then reread it before posting it. Make sure that the whole story makes sense, and conveys what you intended. The story itself lacks as said before background information, and the surroundings could use some more detail. Character interaction could use some touch ups, and the knife thing is an issue as well, if not a big one. If he is an expert marksman, explain it. The basic idea and the way it flows is alright, and I'll read further if you write further. Don't let slow responses concern you. |
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| zombieslaya |
Posted: February 07, 2005 12:08 am
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Zombie Hunter Group: Members Posts: 178 Joined: January 20, 2005 |
ok, sorry if i forgot some background info, ill maybe write in some background story in the next installment.
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| Lord_Of_The_Pings |
Posted: February 09, 2005 04:56 pm
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Experienced Killer Group: Members Posts: 57 Joined: December 12, 2004 |
Please keep on writing, I like your story so far
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| zombieslaya |
Posted: February 09, 2005 06:34 pm
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Zombie Hunter Group: Members Posts: 178 Joined: January 20, 2005 |
thanks, im gonna write some more in either tonight or tommorow. -------------------- |
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| zombieslaya |
Posted: February 09, 2005 11:17 pm
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Zombie Hunter Group: Members Posts: 178 Joined: January 20, 2005 |
Ok, short chapter this time, no background info yet, i will include more background info when i come up with the time to think it up:
Ted walked down the mall, he glanced out of the corner of his eyes at the people around him, he saw a couple sitting on the floor, a husband comforting his quietly sobbing wife, he looked away knowing he shouldnt be watching a private moment like that. He found himself walking towards the mall entrance, a place he normally avoided unless he was on patrol which he wasnt right now, he wonderd why he was even walking towards it. As he reached it, he looked out the clear glass opening, well clear if you dont count the blood stains on the lower part from zombies who got to close for some of the marine snipers on the roofs liking, he saw a lone figure running in the parking lot, he instantly knew it was a survivor, the stranger ran and jumped on top of a car and zombies turned there attention to him and started moving in his direction, all of a sudden he heard loud gunfire from the marines who were on the roof, he couldnt see them but he could hear them, he saw zombies falling and could see blood spurts occasionally, he saw the stranger pull out a gun and started shooting at them, he could see less and less zombies in the parking lot. All of a sudden he could make out a pattern in which the snipers were making, they were trying to clear a path for the stranger but zombies kept filling it up, suddenly an idea had occured to him, he yelled to some marines who were watching, "HEY GUYS! COVER FIRE FOR HIM!" they opend the mall doors and began firing at the zombies, they fell enmass as they fired, the stranger taking a hint as to what was going on made a break for the mall entrance, he reached it and opend it quickly and ran inside, the marines and ted seeing him inside retreated inside and closed the doors..... This post has been edited by zombieslaya on February 10, 2005 02:02 am -------------------- |
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| TheBlazeUK |
Posted: February 09, 2005 11:31 pm
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 Real zombie Nemesis  Group: BB Betatesters Posts: 398 Joined: December 13, 2004 |
Dont include background info unless its part of your story;
e.g. "Ted sank back against the wall and thought back to how this had all started" If you can work it into the story its better than just having it seperate. -------------------- Like zombies? read comics? read The Walking Dead by Robert Kirkman, from Image
No Cable TV No grocery stores No government In a world ruled by the dead, we are forced to start living Documents of the dead - newspapers etc from the fall of the earth. The Living and The Dead My zombie horror story. Feel free to leave feedback. |
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| OneoftheLost |
Posted: February 11, 2005 03:56 am
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Zombie Hunter Group: Members Posts: 164 Joined: December 12, 2004 |
Blaze:Dont include background info unless its part of your story;
e.g. "Ted sank back against the wall and thought back to how this had all started" If you can work it into the story its better than just having it seperate. Ditto. -------------------- -Give a man a gun he thinks he's superman. Give a man two and he thinks he's God. -Quote from THE KILLER. |
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